Monday, November 30, 2009
It finally hit me
Last week I could not shake off my anger, resentment and feeling of hopelessness. I rarely feel this way. If I do I can make myself get over it. But I couldn't. Also being in the hospital one parent at a time and being available for one child at a time meant Apurva and I never had a chance to talk.
Getting mad at Apurva, fumingly mad. Being upset the entire week. I realized that it had nothing to do with Apurva... I realized that I was finally mad at the relapse. After 8 months of being back in the treatment it finally weighed me down. The long hospital stays, balancing Arjun and life and work, the roller coaster of emotions, the constantly watching out and looking for signs in Amaey's health, all of this finally hit me hard.
Cancer sucks. This relapse sucks. Watching Amaey go through all of this again sucks. What am I going to do about it? Whatever it takes. keep doing what we have been doing because as a family we are a good team and we will keep at it and once in a while we will complain and scream and vent and be thankful for whatever we can.