Thursday, November 10, 2011

Family of 4 no 3

We miss him, we miss him so very much.

The balance of our family is completely gone. It was never supposed to be a family of 3, no it was always supposed to be the 4 of us. We are so incomplete without Amaey. Cooking is too easy, there is no complaining. Arjun is an angel, he always was the easy going one, anything flies. He will let us know if he does not like what is for dinner but he will still eat it and enjoy it. That would have never been the case with Amaey, why are we eating indian food every single day? so what if grandparents are here why do I have to eat this every day? 

Ok, what do you want to eat today... and suddenly he will be off on my iphone checking the app or the food network. Amaey it is already 5:30 and I have had a busy day and I really don't want to be making something from scratch. In one ear, out the other... how about linguine in pesto sauce with grilled shrimp, he would look up with his glasses sitting on his nose and the wide smirk on his face and the cute dimples on his cheek. How could anyone say no to that face.

That is what we miss, the troublemaker, the one that questioned our authority, the one that got lots of nuggies from his brother, got chased around with a sword, the one that was the cause of endless hours of screaming and negotiating in the house. The one that ruffled his brother and then started shouting not fair when he was being pestered.

Should we have another child? Sure we are still young. There are plenty families that have kids at our age. Or should we adopt? Or should we get a dog?

How does one move on, how does one keep living with this huge gapping hole in the core of your life. You can't replace this loss. Nothing can really fit in those shoes. So how do you find meaning?

Everyone keeps telling me to go back to work. Find a job, go do what you use to do before. You were so good at what you did before, we are sure you will get right into it. Really? Do you know that I quit my high powered creative director job in 2005? Whatever I did before was 6 years ago not yesterday. and now it's not even been 2 months since my life has changed, once again and everyone expects that I will walk into an ad agency or a media firm and get the creative directors job because I was so good at it. I know everyone has really good intentions when they say  that to me. I know they all mean well and they really know that if I don't find something to do I will go crazy. But it all just sucks.

You know what I want to do? I want to get to gether with my close friends and talk about Amaey. I want to remember him. I want to cry. Why are people so scared to do that. Why are they always asking if we have moved on, if we are putting our lives back together. What is the hurry? Will we ever move on? Will our lives ever be together? I sure do hope so. I do want to move on, I sure do want to keep myself busy and find something meaningful and useful to do with my life. I do want to pick up the pieces and stitch the life back but I haven't found all the pieces yet. I haven't found the pieces to patch the hole yet.


Anonymous said...

Purvi I can totally relate to that. It took me many years of grieving and talking about my dad to get me to this point. I was very young when I lost my father. I know it is no where close to loosing a child .. I am a mother and understand that. I think it is important to talk about him with all those fortunate enough to know him.

Anonymous said...

Dear Purvi,

If you're looking for that sanction from someone to say it's okay to grieve, it's alright to take the time to pick up the pieces and stitch your life back when you're ready, I want to give you that.

Take as long as you need dear, to grieve and cry and remember. For one day, when it's time, you will be ready to pick up those pieces that need to be put back together.

- A stranger who's followed your journey from a distance

Anonymous said...

Purvi - Everybody has their opinion, their advice. Do what feels most peaceful at that moment. My feeling: Give yourself a time out from any kind of thinking, decisions, expectations, purpose ...just mourn naturally - watch good Amaey moment videos, talk about his with friends, think about him, write about him, think about causes and options you want to pursue that will keep the memory of Amaey alive. We cannot just move on - the mind is a very complex thing, it takes a lot of time to adjust, think thru things, and find a good way to move on. All of these happen in the background. Think about serious options such as dog/baby/adoption/work after 6 months. If a job will help you keep busy, that's fine, but don't commit to any major decision making at this time. In your previous post you had written that you want Amaey to know that he is free from all expectation. I'm sure Amaey will also want you to know that he wants you all to be happy and do the things you like to do and enjoy life, while always remembering him. That is what I would want for my family should something happen to me. You have his permission, you don't need to feel guilty, but you do need some time. You will know when you are ready to do new things, and that will be gradual.

Love, Abby.

kat said...

Dearest Purvi,
Since Amaey’s diagnosis, you have held one of the most important roles of your life with such intensity and concentrated compassion, love and hope. In your own time, on your own terms, and with the love of Amaey that will always be with you, to keep you grounded.

Raquel Rabbit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raquel Rabbit said...

Dear Purvi,

it does take time, usually more time than other people think it will take. Grieving and remembering is so important, every minute of it. When you remember the love, you are loving it. And if Amaey is still around in spirit before he goes to his next adventure, i'm sure he can feel your love. Grieving is a way to say goodbye, and you should take as long as you need.

Your writing is so full of meaning. Maybe you want to turn these writings into a book one day, to help those is similar circumstances.

Much love to you, Arjun and Apurva as well.