Thursday, November 10, 2011
Family of 4 no 3
We miss him, we miss him so very much.
The balance of our family is completely gone. It was never supposed to be a family of 3, no it was always supposed to be the 4 of us. We are so incomplete without Amaey. Cooking is too easy, there is no complaining. Arjun is an angel, he always was the easy going one, anything flies. He will let us know if he does not like what is for dinner but he will still eat it and enjoy it. That would have never been the case with Amaey, why are we eating indian food every single day? so what if grandparents are here why do I have to eat this every day?
Ok, what do you want to eat today... and suddenly he will be off on my iphone checking the allrecipes.com app or the food network. Amaey it is already 5:30 and I have had a busy day and I really don't want to be making something from scratch. In one ear, out the other... how about linguine in pesto sauce with grilled shrimp, he would look up with his glasses sitting on his nose and the wide smirk on his face and the cute dimples on his cheek. How could anyone say no to that face.
That is what we miss, the troublemaker, the one that questioned our authority, the one that got lots of nuggies from his brother, got chased around with a sword, the one that was the cause of endless hours of screaming and negotiating in the house. The one that ruffled his brother and then started shouting not fair when he was being pestered.
Should we have another child? Sure we are still young. There are plenty families that have kids at our age. Or should we adopt? Or should we get a dog?
How does one move on, how does one keep living with this huge gapping hole in the core of your life. You can't replace this loss. Nothing can really fit in those shoes. So how do you find meaning?
Everyone keeps telling me to go back to work. Find a job, go do what you use to do before. You were so good at what you did before, we are sure you will get right into it. Really? Do you know that I quit my high powered creative director job in 2005? Whatever I did before was 6 years ago not yesterday. and now it's not even been 2 months since my life has changed, once again and everyone expects that I will walk into an ad agency or a media firm and get the creative directors job because I was so good at it. I know everyone has really good intentions when they say that to me. I know they all mean well and they really know that if I don't find something to do I will go crazy. But it all just sucks.
You know what I want to do? I want to get to gether with my close friends and talk about Amaey. I want to remember him. I want to cry. Why are people so scared to do that. Why are they always asking if we have moved on, if we are putting our lives back together. What is the hurry? Will we ever move on? Will our lives ever be together? I sure do hope so. I do want to move on, I sure do want to keep myself busy and find something meaningful and useful to do with my life. I do want to pick up the pieces and stitch the life back but I haven't found all the pieces yet. I haven't found the pieces to patch the hole yet.