Tuesday, November 29, 2011


When we had to prepone the ash scattering service from 25th to 22nd, I was really mad. Really mad. I haven't been mad in a while. I felt cheated of my days with my baby. I had to give him up sooner than I would have liked.

Now in hindsight, I'm happy we did it when we did, it gave me more time to process while I was still there in Kauai. I did not end up bringing all my anxieties and questions back with me. I do not feel like I deserted my child.

The day of November 22 was dark and rainy. The only day it really rained while we were there. On one hand we were worried about Apurva's dad. On the other hand, I just received an email from a friend who lost her husband just 3 months after the passing of her son. I was in a state of shock. Unbelievable, aren't these things only for movies and high melodrama soaps?

As we made our way to Poipu to pick up flowers and sign all the waivers, the sun was coming out. By the time we got to the dock it had completely cleared out into a beautiful island day. The captain asked us where we wanted to go and Apurva asked to go out in the open ocean somewhere where we could find Honu's. The captain knew just the place and off we went with Amaey on my lap. When we moored we were totally surprised to see Honu's all around us. We could see them swimming and disappearing. As we started to put some petals in the water a baby Honu came swimming towards our boat. It was this beautiful turtle, not afraid of coming close. Then we scattered Amaey's ashes and the ocean seemed to open up to take him in. One by one we placed all our paper boats with messages. More petals and.... He was one with the ocean.
The sun was slowly setting and we sat down at the open deck and watched the sun set in the horizon with Omar Sossa's Sunrise and Sunset piano performance from his CD Calma. This was Amaey's favorite CD. http://omarsosa.com/discog.php

I felt like he was leaving me. I cried and cried. All of us did. Arjun, Apurva, my parents and I were just touching each other in silence, reveling at nature, the world around us, what we had just done and witnessed.

When we finally got ready to go back to the harbor we saw more honu's and realized that we were right opposite the hotel we had stayed at with Amaey on our last few trips there. I guess certain things are just meant to be...

This was such an emotional experience. So beautiful, so real, so heart wrenching.

1 comment:

Mary Claire said...

I'm just crying. The Divine in nature knows. Experiencing that oneness is so enormous...thank you for sharing that moment Purvi...so vivid yet...to have to really let go...no words.