Thursday, June 28, 2012

What now?

How do I adjust to a 1 child family?

How do I keep myself busy?

I'm struggling right now. We run away the minute there is a break in Arjun's school. I buried myself in the Kids&Art auction. Really wanted to do it and now that is done too. The day after the auction I collapsed. I felt the vacuum and did not know how to fill it. The days leading upto the auction were so busy, so much to do, so much to get done, so much to pull together. So many people helping and just so much activity. The mind was busy. Happy too. When we went to Pixar to do art, it was sad to see all these bereaved families but there was so much positive energy in the art room. It felt like all the loved ones were there, holding our hands, painting with us.

But the real question under all of this is - how do I find the real normal?

I haven't even unpacked Amaey's bag since we came back from Israel. How do I get myself to clean up his closet. Thanks to Vicky she did it for me. I asked Arjun if I can empty the closet and take all of Amaey's clothes away and he emphatically said no. I have so many books that Amaey read, I'm debating whether i should donate them to the library or keep them, Arjun wants to leave them. He refuses to let anyone take anything that belonged to Amaey. For him Amaey lives in all those things that he touched.

My goal for going away for a month was to be able to look at life from afar and see if I can find a way to fix it. But I don't know what really needs fixing.

All I know is that Arjun has fond and loving memories of his little brother. For him, Amaey is happy. For him, Amaey deserved better. For him, Amaey was the smartes person he has ever met. He wants to live with those memories. He wants us to learn to do that too. He wants us to keep Amaey in our heart and learn to live with him. I so admire Arjun for that.

They say life closes one door and opens another. I do hope to find one soon because right now I feel astray.

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