Tuesday, September 04, 2012


On August 29, I had an appointment for MASALA. This is a study conducted at UCSF for Indian families over 40. They are trying to study the cause of heart problems in the Indian population.

Apurva is the one that was contacted for this study but when he called to make an appointment the men's area was full so they booked me instead. I had casually asked them of the study and what it entailed. They mentioned that it would take a full day and I had to be nil by mouth and it was slew of different tests. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this... I wasn't sure I wanted to be part of any study.

For one reason or the other I had to cancel my appointment and they managed to schedule another one. I told myself, hey take your iPad, you haven't written in a long time this will give you a good chunk of time to write while you are sitting and waiting. I took lots of books and some snacks for when it was ok to eat.

I parked in the parking lot and walked to the hospital. As I'm walking through the hallways and getting in the elevator, my blood pressure drops. The elevator opens to the 5th floor and I look for the area I needed to go to. I get there and all I remember is a blankness all over myself. I filled the form that I was given and asked about the format of the tests and then one of the nurses comes and says, lets go to your room. Room! What room? I'm screaming in my mind but no words are coming out. I follow the nurse and she asks me to sit on the chair or bed wherever I'm comfortable. By now I'm numb. She leaves the room and I stare at the bed, the tables, the room, the light coming out of the window. I suddenly get up and walk out, tell the nurse I will be back and walk out, walk to the elevator, across the street to the parking lot and back in my car.

I could not do it. I texted Apurva, I'm freaking out. I cannot do this. I emailed the doctors from the study... I can't do this.

I did not realize that my body had gone in a kind of shock. I cried the entire way back. I came home and slept the entire day. I could not move. Why on earth did I sign up for this? What was I thinking? I guess there are memories and then there are memories... deep down, that you did not know were there.

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