Wednesday, January 08, 2014

My other blog

It's 2014, I'm getting to hear about all the 12 year old b'day celebrations that Amaey would have been part off.
People say that time will heal, but they do not know what they are saying. Nothing can fill the hole. You somehow just learn to live life with that hole.

Does loss have a timetable? because each hour and each day and each month and then each year does bring new fears and hopes.

The first year
Each hour and each day is a memory of your loss
You breathe and realize that they are not breathing
You eat and realize that they would have loved it
You listen to, or see something familiar and you start seeing them there
You are alone in a crowd
You feel overcrowded sitting by yourself, with your thoughts
Each first of anything is hard
You won't know what made you suddenly cry hysterically
As days become months, you start thinking about what you did last year when they were with you, on that month
As you reach the first anniversary, life seems to suck out of you because you suddenly realize you can't turn the clock back

As you start your journey to the 2nd year
Everyone around you has moved on in their lives
Your family is trying to start each day without it becoming a huge burden
You are able to listen to that song, and cry and smile at the same time
You are allowing yourself to open up
You find yourself saying, I'm fine at this moment, don't know how I will be maybe after this conversation
As the 2nd year progresses, each moment is not a shock but more of a lump in your heart
Your loss goes inwards
It almost feels like you are dying slowly from the inside
But on the outside, you are learning to blend in with the world

In the 3rd year, you finally realize that you were living with a flight or fight response
You were working hard to keep yourself busy, all the time
You closed many doors and reached out for new ones
You are suddenly acknowledging that you were hiding, from yourself
You might be ready to come out of hiding and search for the truth
You might seek answers to the why's
You might allow yourself some slack, and slow down, and stop running

I'm still only 3 months into my 3rd year, I don't really know what the 3rd anniversary mark will mean to me and my family.
I do know that I'm making an effort to allow myself to be grateful. I could not hear that word before. I did not know what and why I should be grateful.
But now, I'm allowing myself to think about why I should be grateful. I can hear me breathe beneath all the tugging in my heart.

I have decided to start contributing to my other blog, http://desishmata.blogspot.com/, instead of contributing here.

I realize that, NOW, I look at the world differently.
I feel, touch, smell, laugh, and hurt differently.
Now my memories of Amaey are intertwined into every experience so what I have to say is not just about Amaey or his loss or my life without him, but it is about learning to live life, see life, feel life, with the hole that will never fill.

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