Gym

Today as I walked out of the gym I heard some wailing sound, I couldn't understand what it was and as I got closer to it I realized that a woman was crying unconsolably and the man with her was trying to help her through it.

As I was walking past her I slowly started praying to let her grieve and free herself of whatever was causing the pain.

The gym is one crazy place... if you are going through an emotional rollercoaster then you don't need a shrink, just go take a yoga class and you will end up crying once you are done. I might get through the entire class and just as we have to do our last pose of resting peacefully with your eyes close it will all come up and before I know I'm crying. I just stay there and cry and thentake a deep breath say my namaste and then roll up my mat and leave. Suddenly I have a big smile on my face. I don't understand these feelings and I really don't need to analyze them so I just let them be.

Last week when I went completely out of control with my feelings I realized that it is really important to let go of ones feelings once in a while. Let the floodgates open and cry as much as you want and can... you can't cry forever. Once you are done, you do feel lighter. 

Talking Doctor

I just talked with Amaey's talking doctor and asked he what her last conversation with Amaey was about--

She looked through her notes and said, her last conversation was on September 12, 2011. Amaey was very happy to be going home today. All he wanted to do was walk around in his house, jump on his bed, and he hoped that his brother did not have too much homework so that he can play with him.
She asked him about his experience in the hospital and he said that he was happy in his room before the transplant. The worst  was his headache on the day of his transplant, peg injections, and his biopsy. The two of them talked about coping mechanisms and Amaey decided he would watch cartoons on his ipad next time he had a procedure.

She said that she sees a lot of patients and Amaey was someone she looked forward to seeing because she knew he would make her laugh and show her a new toy and play music on his keyboard. She said a lot of kids that are undergoing treatment become entitled but she found Amaey to be very content and happy and he never saw himself as sick.

Which is so true of Amaey and that is why she was very surprised when I told her that when we left the hospital Amaey said bye to the hospital and said, I will never come back again. I also told her about the instance when Amaey told me that we should sue his doctor. I was so shocked that Amaey said something like that that I did not have any words come out of my mouth. For Amaey who believed that science could do miracles, someone who wanted ot work for NASA and go to Mars, what he was going through was just a blip, a passing, something that would be over and then he would move on to real scientific things.

She said she was suprised that Amaey thought about that but she understands that he must have been very angry and that was his reaction to the way things were going.

I told her that Amaey was very picky about people, when she was to meet him the first time we were not sure how he would take it and once she left and we asked him if she was ok, he said, yes, it will work out. She laughed at this and was very happy that Amaey liked her and approved of her. She thought he was a great kid.

The turtle

My friend Steph... sent this to me just as I was looking at the clock change to 9:50pm.
--
A great deal of mythology exists in regard to the turtle. In the Far East, the shell was a symbol of heaven, and the square underside was a symbol of earth. The turtle was an animal whose magic could help you unite heaven and earth within your own life. A symbol of the turtle was an invitation for the blessings of both heaven and earth.


-- You have one child in heaven and one on earth, you should adopt this symbol as your own.


Amaey's love for turtles, and all these turtles coming to meet us in Kauai were maybe there to unite Amaey with us and then take him with them. 


Steph, thank you so much for sharing this today.  Thank you!

4 months today

Yesterday was the hardest day I have had in a while. I blame it on the 2 Back to the Future movies I recently re-watched.

I wish I could change time and change what was to happen today. If only I could.... I would still have my baby here with me and this family would be genuinely happy again. If only....

But reality wants to show it's true face and rub it in our nose that life is different now.

I know the healing process is like the ebb and flow of the waves, some days will be easy and some days the tide will sweep over everything.

Unfortunately as time passes the reality that Amaey will not return is hard to bear. Each hour from yesterday and today are taking me back to Sept 25 and 26 in Tel Aviv. So much pain, so much loss, so much love.

For the first time in my entire life I cried with fear when my sister Mona called me in my hotel room at 11 something at night on the 25th. I cried that I could not take it any more. I cried that we have never asked for anything and we have done everything possible for our dear child... what more does god want from us. It just seems so unfair. And then Apurva called to say Amaey was asking for me, I should come to the hospital and I left Arjun sleeping alone in the hotel room and ran to the hospital not knowing what was really happening.
But he looked calm. It felt like the tide might pass. He was looking comfortable for the first time in many hours. We had been through this, in the ambulance in 2010, we had been through this in the ICU in 2009. This was no different. Maybe Amaey will come out of it. He alwasy did. So I sent Apurva to the hotel to sleep and come back again in the morning with Arjun. But in a few hours I had to call both of them to the hospital... and now I cannot change what has happend. I never will be able to.

I love you Amaey, wherever you are, I hope you know that you are truly and dearly loved. 

Dil Aakhir tu kyun rota hai (heart why are you crying)

I watched this Bollywood movie on my way back from India. There are a few poems interspersed in the movie and one really spoke to me. It was a fun movie and well made, I did not expect to be in tears while watching it... but I don't expect to be in tears when I hear science news and quest on radio either.

An english translation is in this poem

http://youtu.be/qPvthTYiWoI

Jan 22

Davina gave me a card along with a cd when we left for Kauai to scatter Amaey's ashes. Since we had to pre-pone the service I did not get a chance to read the card and then I just could not find it. Today we were cleaning the house and I found it... It was meant to be for today because today I'm missing Amaey a lot. Today is the 22nd, we were packing to leave for Israel. That day in September was a stark difference from today. Today it's just Arjun and me in the house, a very quiet house. On that day we had a house full of close family and friends that were helping us pack with a very heavy heart and a lot of hope.

Reading this card brought some calmness in my turbulent heart.

Here is the card--

When cherished ties are broken, and the chain of love is shattered, only trust and strength of faith can lighten the heaviness of the heart. At times, the pain of separation seems more than we can bear, but if we dwell too long in our loss, we embitter our hearts and harm ourselves and those about us.

The Palmist said that in his affliction, he learned the law of god. And in truth, grief is a great teacher, when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort, those like ourselves who need comfort and are bowed with sorrow. We learn to keep silent in their presence and when a word would assure them of our love and concern.

Even when they are gone, the departed are with us, moving us to live as, in their higher moments, they themselves wished to live. We remember them now; they live in our hearts; they are an abiding blessing.

May his memory be a blessing.

Block

My friend Raj was asking me why I haven't writen anything on the blog for a while... It has been hard because so much is going on. In India we were really busy with Apurva's dad being in the hospital. I could not enter the hospital and I did not go to visit him but Apurva fell sick and I had to do the day shift. First day killed me....
But then I had enough time to go over things in my head and rationalize. The next few days became a bit easy.

It seems like I'm in a phase where I'm inside myself now. Instead of emotions coming out they are staying inside and I'm trying to figure out how to live and how to move ahead and how to keep going without breaking down. This has proved to be very tiring and exhausting for sure. But much needed.

Apurva has had to be in India and that has been very hard. He was in India for a month and then came back with me and had to go back in a week because his dad's health became critical. On Jan 16, his dad passed away in the ICU. Apurva said that when they removed his ventilator it almost seemed like his dad had a smile like he had seen something.... Apurva said that during the 4 hours he sat with his dad in the room after he had passed away he had several visions of Amaey and his dad deep in conversations. He said it was so real that he cannot express himself. Amazingly, he had that same vision 4 times.

In a strange way, yes I can see Amaey and his dada deep in a conversation. The two of them were so similar, so intense, so single minded.

Farewell Ammudada. We know that Amaey and you will take care of each other.

Compassionate friends

My friend Sonal suggested that I check this site. She said that their facebook page was a good resource... I already started receiving some poems that I like and can relate to. I was looking for resources for Arjun and like this poem they had on their site http://www.compassionatefriends.org

Siblings Walking Together

(Formerly the Sibling Credo)

We are the surviving siblings of The Compassionate Friends.
We are brought together by the deaths of our brothers and sisters.
Open your hearts to us, but have patience with us.
Sometimes we will need the support of our friends.
At other times we need our families to be there.
Sometimes we must walk alone, taking our memories with us,
continuing to become the individuals we want to be.
We cannot be our dead brother or sister;
however, a special part of them lives on with us.
When our brothers and sisters died, our lives changed.
We are living a life very different from what we envisioned,
and we feel the responsibility to be strong even when we feel weak.
Yet we can go on because we understand better than many others
the value of family and the precious gift of life.
Our goal is not to be the forgotten mourners that we sometimes are,
but to walk together to face our tomorrows as surviving siblings of
The Compassionate Friends.