Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Arjun needed to go to the library to get some books for his school project. When I took him there I had to drive past Amaey's school and I was amazed at how much construction was going on there. I sudden;y felt sad that Amaey won't get to see the new and improved school. As we were parking at the library a gush of emotions came over me. This was Amaey's home favorite place. There was a time when we would check out 10-12 books  and while I'm checking them out Amaey would finish reading a Geranimo Stillton or a Garfield.

He loved the library. It was like an all you can eat place where you can go for seconds and thirds and pile up your plate high with dessert... Calvin and Hobbes in Amaey's case.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

02 21 2012

I took over to drive the highlander. A car we had talked about. The car I wanted to buy and you and Arjun had liked it too. Just as I was looking in the rearview mirror I felt like I saw you through the mirror like I always did when I drove you around like little miss daisy. I could see you seat belted with your head resting in the seat and your red glasses on and you were looking outside the window and I could hear your mind thinking something.
Then our eyes met and you gave me your infectious warm smile and I sent you  my mammoo kiss and you gave me this big warm smile that you would and turned your head inwards and then you were gone.

But you were there.

As I write this, I'm on the plane. I'm flying back to SFO and it is feb 25. It's 5months today and once again I will get to the airport but you will not be accompanying us. You are off on your journey. I guess life is a journey and I'm reading a book called Aleph where Paulo Coelho says that we are all one soul and we all meet from time to time. I wish to have many more journeys and I hope to keep meeting you!

Cross country skiing

We went to Michigan and went on a skiing trip. Arjun and Meera decided to ski and Swati, Apurva, and I decided to cross country instead. 

We watched people riding up the ski lifts and then coming down on the slopes with grace and speed. I did not desire that. I did not desire to ride up and come down with a rush of adrenaline. I did not desire to soar a new height. I did not desire speed and the wind gushing towards me. 
What I desired was a calm walk through the snow covered roads. A peaceful introspection. I wanted to cross country ski and take in the sights. Walk the terrain, feel the bumps, climb the unexpected hills and let go on the way down. Fall and then get right up. Each time I got stuck in the snow and drifted back with my skis I would tell myself, you can do it, stay focused and don't panic and I would move on. When we finished the basic green trail and decided to do the level 2 blue trail there were lot more slopes and the terrain was not as well marked which meant we had to figure it out ourselves. Little slopes would suddenly show up and before you knew you were bending your knees and heading down with speed you did not desire and all I kept telling myself is, you are not afraid, you are not going to fall. 
It was truly wonderful to stand there in the middle of nowhere with snow all around you and flurries falling gently on you. It was magical. Just 3 of us in this vast expanse of space.

On the second day the terrain got more icy and the same trail became a little more arduous. I fell so many times because the snow made the skis slip and pushed me back on the slope and invariably fall.

This experience felt like life where there is so much beauty and so many slopes hidden at each corner, waiting for you to fail, waiting for you to pick up and move on again. Waiting for you to give up and then seducing you with more Beauty and flat easy surfaces just to find a big slope at the end of it...

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

02 21 2012

We got in the car to drive to Boynn Highlands for our ski trip. The car is packed with food and Harry Potter movies. As soon as we started driving, I saw you. I suddenly felt that you were putting your seatbelt on and with your big smile and sparkly eyes you were just looking around ready to have a great time on this journey.

There is now on the road and trees beautifully covered in snow. I felt like I was talking with you, explaining everything you had a question for. My heart filled up and my I started crying. Meeradidi and Arjun are sitting in the back with me and they suddenly turned their faces, they didn't want me to feel bad they they saw me crying. 
I saw you. I felt you and that is all that matters to me.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

3rd St SF

I went back to work, 2 days a week, last week. I needed to get out of the house, physically move myself and communicate with someone other then my thoughts and myself.

First day after I was done teaching and I was walking back to my car, I passed Osha Thai, my steps suddenly slowed down at the St. Francis appartments, the stairs, their waterfall. I could see Amaey sitting there with a big smile on his face. We took a beautiful picture there. I slowly walk past Osha, and as I watch people in the restaurant I could see his amazement and wonderment. I had told him to dress well we were going on a date to the city. He looked so cute in his grey corduroys. When we were ordering I let him order a Shirley Temple for lunch, in a very Amaey way he looks around at the beautiful chandeliers and the modern design of the restaurant and goes, ma this must be expensive! Shirley temple for lunch!! Thanks ma!

I told him he was a special date today. We ordered lots of different food and then walked up the stairs of the building and took some wonderful photos. Then we went across to the Yerba Buena Gardens, just walked around and we went looking for ice-cream and walked a few blocks took our ice cream and walked happily to our car.

Today when I walked past after work, my eyes filled up. I was so happy that I had such special moments with him. I just stood there and looked around... Remembered Arjun, Amaey, and my date to Samovar in the Yerba Buena Gardens. Here I'm walking in with two kids, not taken seriously. They had wonderful waiters and an eclectic menu. Amaey and Arjun totally fell in love with it. The ambiance, the decor, the menu, the food on the table next to us everything made them feel special. Once the boys started ordering and asking questions about their menu and their place the server was all over us. She couldn't get over the fact that the boys were ordering and calling the shots. Such foodies. The 3 of us ordered so much and ate it all up. Amaey would dig into his hi-tea sandwich and nod his head and smile, ummm good! We went down to the waterfall with MLK words printed all around it. We read it all and talked about what it meant. The boys ran around in the garden.

Our visit to the contemporary Jewish museum was yet another wonderful memory. An amazing museum with a wonderful collection of exhibits on display. The boys loved learning about the Torah and absolutely loved the music room.

The curious George exhibit was another really special outing for us. Both the boys grew up loving Curious George books and seeing the exhibit made it come alive for them like they knew the character even better now that they knew the artists and writers behind these stories.

All I had to do was a 360 degree look around and from where I was standing I could feel my boys everywhere. I'm so thankful for having spent so much time with Amaey, so much wonderful time with him, so much special time with him.


Got this in my email today.


Friday, February 03, 2012

Hello My friends mom

When Amaey would call Gabriel's house and if he was in one of his goofy moods and if Davina picked up the phone he would say, Hello My friends mom can I talk with my friend. And Davina would play along and then they would continue a really long conversation without exchanging any names.

I just read Davina's comment on my previous post and of course I started crying. This morning I went for a walk with Maureen and we talk about everything. We ended up talking about the soul and connections we human beings make with each other and we wondered how and why we make them.

She said that Christopher misses his friend dearly. He makes things that he would have loved to share with Amaey. She says that sometimes she can see that if he had shared something with Amaey the two of them would have talked for a long time about it and it would have had a different meaning for Christopher.

Listening to Gabriel's thoughts on how he is writing to Amaey and Amaey will read and correct his work just feels like Amaey was so blessed to have had friends who knew him so very well. Each had a unique realtionship with Amaey.

The only reason I bring both the boys up is because this morning I went to wake up Arjun in his room and all the photos of Amaey and Arjun just talked to me. I stood in front of them and wondered how Arjun is really doing. Everyone says that they understand how hard it must be for me as a mom but today in Arjun's room I felt that my pain is nothing... how is Arjun dealing with this. His confidante, his partner in crime, his 24/7 buddy is no more. How lost he must feel.

When I think about these 3 boys I wonder how their relationship with Amaey will shape their lives. I know Amaey will be a part of their life forever in some way or the other but I wonder how it will manifest as they grow up?