Monday, August 27, 2012

First day of 8th grade and First day of 5th grade

Arjun started 8th grade today. Last year of middle school. A big year. Amaey would have started 5th grade, his last year in elementary school.

Last night when I went to say goodnight to Arjun we were talking about this. I told Arjun that though his brother is not here he is always with him. I said, maybe he is born somewhere, And Arjun goes.... But he might be in 5th grade. I was really perplexed.... How? He explains, you know how the soul leaves the body and then it goes into another body, you know how sometimes somebody if dying and their heart stops working but then they suddenly start breathing after a delay and they call it a miracle.... Maybe Amaey's soul went to some child going through that and now he is living his life as a 10 year old, as a 5th grader.

I was amazed at this story, I so want to believe it. It is beautiful. Yes, that can be possible right? Maybe in 2030 when the first person goes to Mars, Amaey will be one of them because of his second chance. Because his brother wants to believe that miracles can happen. Because his brother did not want him to suffer from cancer anymore and would rather give him up if it meant that he got a new life.

Oh Arjun, may these beautiful thoughts get you through 8th grade and beyond!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

August 25

I kept hoping that if i do not acknowledge that the date has arrived, that it is 11 months today, it will just pass.... 

I was taking a reiki class today and I asked the teacher, if the soul moves on and takes home in another form, then how is it that we can feel him with us, see him in different places and in different ways? He said, that the consciousness is always there. That never leaves us. That consciousness touches us in many different ways.

When I talked with the grandmaster she said, why are you despairing, don't cry because he came here to cleanse his soul and your family got to help him move to his next life form. Your duty was to serve him, take care of him and then it was time for him to leave.

Yes we understand all of that but it is so hard to fill the huge hole that we constantly feel. Davina was over and she said that she felt Amaey's presence really strong in the house and I couldn't help but agree. This is Amaey's house, he used every inch of it with lots of love. He has poured so many memories in each wall, each corner, each sofa, each bed, each closet. You cannot be in the house without feeling his warmth.

We pray for his next journey to be beautiful and we hope that it is just what he wants to make out of it.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

How I feel

Anticipation of Aug 4 drained me. How will I react? How will I feel? I really did not know. 4th has come and gone and my heart is still heavy, very heavy. I feel tired and have no energy to do anything. I try though but then I need to take a long nap because my brain cannot think, my heart cannot beat any faster, and my entire being feels like it is sleep walking.

The Compassionate Friends send notes and poems on my fb and this was one I had seen a while ago. A dear friend sailing the same shores sent it to me and yes... this sums up my life... right now.

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving...
... the sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away...

Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day... 
My heart is heavy with sorrow...

I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask "WHY"... 
At times my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly..

So great is my loss...

Please don't turn away from me
or tell me to move on with my life...
I must embrace my pain before I can heal...

Companion me through my tears...
sit with me in loving silence...
honor me where I am on this journey...

Don't forget me or my child...
Listen patiently to my story...
I may need to tell it over and over again...
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss...

Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead...
Forgive me when I am distant or inconsolable...
A Small flame still burns inside my heart...

Memories trigger both laughter and tears...
There is no right or wrong way to grieve...

We each must find our own paths... 
but... please will you walk beside me?

Thursday, August 02, 2012

The first of everything

When you have a baby the first year is the year of firsts. The first smile, the first pucker face, the stinkiest poop, the first words, was it ma, was it ga, what was that first word. The first steps, that first fall. the first fever and the first tear.

The first year is a celebration for the parents as much as it is for the child. The parents survived the fist year... They made it. They have a talking, walking bundle of joy on that first b'day. Bursting with pride, doubting every move they made yet fearlessly doing it every single day and seeing their rewards in that growing child, in that beautiful reward... The hug, the love.

The first of everything when you loose a child for those fearless parents is quite a fearful experience. The first time you walk through your front door and you don't have your greeter. When you get in your car and you do not have your passenger. Walk into a grocery store and the stories behind the blueberries, coconut milk, a particular bread, come gushing in your eyes. The first time you hear a song you sang together. The first time you enter their room and all you have is nothingness.

But none of this prepares you to their first b'day without them. 

August 4th 2002. He had to repeat his b'day so many times in his 9years. Every time he sat down for his poke, his blood test, his procedures, his clinic visits and stays. The first question they would ask is.... When is your b'day Amaey? And in his cute little voice he would say august 4 tutousantu. I could not tire myself from hearing that each time. I felt that through all those years of him repeating this date i saw him getting older and having yet another b'day.  As he got older he would say two thousand two and I started missing that baby voice but it was wonderful to see him fill up that chair where he got his blood test for 6years. What I wouldn't give to hear that one more time. 

I know we are a wreck right now. And it's hard to do anything. I feel drained out of every bit of energy I have. I don't know how we will feel tomorrow or day after, on the 4th. But we will go through yet another first that will expose our loss and rub it in our face...