Friday, December 21, 2012

Turning a new leaf

Nov 16, 12:30pm) 14hrs to a destination. All in one flight. Crazy how I ended up getting myself into this. Frankly I did not realize when I booked my flight. After my debacle with the Emirates flight I think I'm becoming phobic of flying.

But that is not good. I like to travel and I want to be able to travel. So I decided that I was going to try harder. I went and bought myself Bose headphones, something I have waited for a long time now. then I bought Arjun and me neck pillows. This time the way i have packed my hand bag is important too. I have one bag with my socks and slippers and cream. Another bag with protein snacks. Another little bag of grapes. A ziplock with all my herbal remedies. An empty bottle to fill water and one for hot water for tea. I'm set right. Sounds like a pro to me. 1 hour down, 13 more to go.

As soon as we sat down I sprayed my nose with saline and put artificial tears in my eyes. Next, cream on my feet and then I covered my feet with my big soft orange socks. Checked my inflight magazine to see what movies they have, took a codeine with Tylenol before my tooth inflamed and rested my eyes for bit.

One other important thing I have decided to do is keep a positive outlook the entire flight. No complaining if the seat is small. No grumbling if the service sucks. No attempts at unbalancing my chakras.

I'm going to read the night circus, or keep journaling my hours away. Arjun and I have cards so we can play a game of BS if we want. Most of the time I hope to be tuning the world out with my noise canceling headphones.

2:00) Oh it's been 1.5hrs and they are bringing food out for everyone. Total Recall might be the perfect onflight movie to watch. Bye for now.

3:20) Lunch served and eaten. I had asked for Hindu vegetarian meal. Who gives chickpeas on a flight? Seriously Cathay? Don't you have any regard for thy neighbors? Well I didn't eat them, I just ate the rice, salad, and green beans but still...

I started watching total recall and gave up within 15min. Big bang theory episode was much better. Arjun on the other end is cracking up over men in black 3. I'm not sure what I plan to do next. Maybe I should get up and walk a little. Yup that's a good idea.

4:50) I went and walked up and down the aisle. As I was walking I saw that they had beautiful, fresh, red apples. Oh fresh fruit to eat up in the air is always great. I took my juicy apple and sat down to watch Step Up Revolution. Just 15 min in the movie, I noticed that the gentleman sitting in the seat next to Arjun's wasn't looking to good. I asked his wife and she said that he was sweating a lot. I told her that I do reiki and if she would like I could do some healing on him. She was fine with that so I went around and did some reiki on him. He was sweating a lot, I could feel the tingling in my hand and I could feel the warmth coming out but I felt it was really important to make an announcement and see if there were any doctors on board. Two doctors came right to him and I went back to my seat. They have moved him to another seat where he can lay down and rest. He is looking better from before and I do hope it stays that way.

No I'm not going to let anything change my positive attitude. No it did not bring back intense memories of Amaey in the plane, hooked to saline, fading... Oh I turned back to see that they have started oxygen for him and the doctor is back taking his pulse. Swati did that on the flight, she kept checking on Amaey. I could see the worry on her face, when she is thinking she tends to adopt the thinking pose. Arjun kept looking at my face, he could see that I was getting tensed and worried. I was trying really hard not to. I kept telling myself, it's ok. it's ok.

It is so amazing to me, such a full flight and no one really knows what is going on, someone could be really sick, someone could be going in labor, there might be a bride or groom on the flight, someone taking their newborn baby back home for the first time... or a 9 year old might be making his last flight... ever.

6:33) exactly 6 hrs, but who's counting?

The gentleman is stable, he does not need oxygen anymore. His wife seems relaxed too. I still haven't finished the movie because the entire video system went down. Wonderful right? Arjun is busy playing a game on his touch. I got up to get some tea for me since this is usually when I make tea and have a snack at home. Arjun and I shared a veggie sandwich too. The aisle is bustling and I have a butt shoved in my face with people walking like zombies since the TV has been taken away. I wonder if this is their way of getting people to move about... Smart.

My smart plan has been- to stay up the first half of the flight and then sleep until we get to Hong Kong. Then the flight from Hong Kong to Mumbai we should stay up so that when we reach home around 2am, we are ready to crash.

12:40, I think it's am) step up revolution was beautiful. The choreography was breathtaking especially of this dance in a museum. Wow. Arjun ended up watching it too. I was getting sick around that time. Feeling a headache coming and getting that eeky feeling I tend to get in the plane.

6:33pm in hong kong) we are about to land and then hustle for our Bombay flight which takes off in an hour an half.

4:17am SF time and 8pm hong kong time.) We disembarked our long haul flight and went through transfer and then to our gate for Bombay. We only had an hour in between but luckily the gates weren't that far apart. Once at the gate we made a b line to the food court. I ate a veggie bagel sandwich and Arjun had a chicken sandwich and mango juice. Now we are on our second flight, thus time to Mumbai. My strategy for this flight is to stay awake and read. Arjun has to complete some homework. Right now he is playing doodle jump.

9:10am, not sure what time it is in whichever timezone I'm hovering over.) I definitely wasn't feeling great after we sat in this plane and so I decided to sleep. It cut 3 hrs away and now we have 1:10mins before we land. I'm officially done with this journey. Seriously, are we there yet?

11:45pm Bombay. 10:25am SF) yes the eagle has landed. We are still taxing on the ground because they not have a gate for us yet.

This concludes our 24hr journey nice we left our house in SF. Also it is 17th night and by the time we clear customs and drive home it will be past midnight here 18th morning.

It took us a long time to track down our driver because there were a lot of private taxi drivers thanks to the transport closure... families must have rented private cabs to bring their loved ones home. We get in our car and get on the road and I realize that if we had arrived any later, we would have had to sleep at the airport because the roads were completely empty and as we were driving away, they were closing roads behind us.

We were so glad to reach home and be on stable ground and a real bed. I managed to keep my end of the bargain, stay positive.

Friday, November 02, 2012


I read the newspaper while having my tea in the morning, before I leave for work. One day I read the article on the nanny that killed two little kids she was taking care off. I go to work and one of the bloggers is blogging about that, about the support this mom needs. I could not imagine the grief on the mom’s face to find her kids in the bathtub, dead.

Then Sandy hits New York. I read about a mom whose car got stuck in the rising water and lost hold of her two little kids after she unbuckled them from their car seats. A day later they still haven't found those kids. Read about 2 teenage sisters missing. After I reading these articles, I have been asking myself, is it any easier for a parent who looses a child in such circumstances? Is the pain any different for them?

Some people might be thinking but not saying this to my face, that we should have seen it coming. He had cancer for god’s sake. Does that prepare a parent? The fact that their child has been diagnosed with cancer, does that mean parents should start preparing themselves?

A family friend of ours had a son with down and he drowned in a swimming pool and died. As an outsider what comes to your head, maybe it is better for the child, what kind of life would he have had growing up. Maybe it is better for the parent, they would have had to take care of this child even in their old age. But as a parent, do you see it that way? Do you look at your children as loss and gain? Do you plan on cutting your losses and moving on?

What does a natural calamity like Sandy teaches us about loss? New Yorkers were made aware of the devastating extent of Sandy. They should have prepared themselves. That mom should not have been out driving with her kids, people should have known better. Really? Are we to know that a storm will suddenly leave you roofless or even, homeless and worst of all, childless?

Do you call this destiny? Do you call this gods will? Was there a reason that the kids were swept away and not the mom?

With all the preparedness and technology out there to detect the biggest storms and hurricanes in this 21st century, there is nothing, nothing at all that can prepare one for the loss of a child. Whether the child was lost in a sudden accident, or after an illness, the loss of a child is one singular phenomenon that science cannot predict or find ways to make it tolerable. What Sandy teaches us is, loss comes in many shapes and forms, and we really have no control after all.

Monday, October 29, 2012

My Tea

My Yogi tea reads-

It's not life that
matters, it's the
courage that we
bring to it.

I started working full time from October 3rd. Yes it has taken a lot of courage to make a move in life. In the first week, I was having my lunch in the atrium by the waterfall and suddenly I hear Amaey, Hi ma this is Amaey, when are you coming home? It felt so normal that I just replied, I'll be home soon darling why don't you ask Vicky to make you some food and I'll be there. And he says, ok.

My baby is with me, and I know he is asking me whether I'm happy in life. I don't ever want to say no. I don't want him to feel that I'm wasting my time in this life that I have been left to live. Every morning I ask myself, am I living in the moment.

It is not life that matters...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Living legacy

For everyone that reads this blog, for whoever knew Amaey, I urge you to write your memories of him.  Memories is all we have and I know he made his own connections with people. I know he touched everyone in his own sweet way. Please share that and help us see that part of Amaey.

Someday, when Arjun grows and maybe has moved out... I know he will want to read this blog. I know he will stumble upon this wealth of stories and pain and joy.

I'm scared that if I don't write down all my little memories with him... over time they will fade. That will be such a loss. I want to capture them and treasure them. Please help me do that.

Love and remembrance

Yesterday we spent the day remembering ammu.

We took lunch to his friend Gabriel's class. The class of 2013, he might have been in that class. It was really wonderful seeing all the kids. What was most touching was the maturity and warmth of the kids. Whoever had been with him in various classes since Kindergarten, remembered him and made a point to let us know when they were with him. One child was truly amazing, he told me that he understood my pain and how I felt because he recently lost his uncle who he was very close to.
Gabriel helped us set-up and stayed with us the entire time. He did not go out and play instead he chatted with Arjun while they were waiting for the kids to show up.

In the afternoon we went to Skylawn. Yes there was a hawk there. A lone hawk flying around the overlook. We stayed there for a little while and left after the hawk had flown away. Pratish and didi were with us too.

The evening was warm and touching. A fire glowing and everyone settled down around it. David shared some words from The Dalai Lama on life after death. We opened it out for friends to share stories about Amaey and then we started our kirtan. Sugandhi started off with amazing grace how sweet the sound... Raj sang a few chants and at some point, yes I did feel the breeze, there was a rustling sound and I had to take my shawl off that I was wearing because I got very hot. I did not realize these chain of events until this morning when I mentioned them to Apurva.

You were there... with us. I know.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A life well lived

Today, look back and make a note of all those promises you made.
Today, take an account of all that you have.
Today, look ahead and assess the plans you have set in motion.
Then, stop.
Just look around you.
Take a look within yourself.
Now, stop again.
Just for today, do something that makes you genuinely happy.
Just for today, don't think about tomorrow or the day after.
Just for today, do something silly, eat something unhealthy, feel naughty, smile and laugh and love abundantly.
For a life well lived will be remembered forever.
For a life well lived will bring happiness well after you are gone.

September 25

We are planning to share today with family and friends and everyone that asks about you and thinks about you.

We decided to be outdoors, in the backyard where you loved to spend your time.

When you would wake up, you would share some tea from me and take your mug and your book and sit on the chair. Your glasses would fog up from drinking hot tea.
The rays of the sun would make you raise your head up, you would close your eyes and soak up the sun.
Such bliss would surrounded you.

We plan to have an inspirational talk followed by chanting and then your favorite dinner - mini idli with rice.

We want to be outdoors, we hope to feel you in the breeze and see you enjoy the warmth from the campfire, and glow up from all the love.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Yes I worry

Yes I worry.
I worry that my memories will fade
I worry that each moment won't remain vivid.

Just the other day I woke up and hoped
that you were in the kitchen,
sitting by the window, reading your Calvin and Hobbes
I was waiting for a tantrum
Your fancy cravings
Your precise fancy cravings
But, there was no one, just me and the music
So I did it - I made my poached eggs, omelet style in the 4 little moulds
Whipped up a fancy gourmet breakfast.
I did it in your memory.
I keep looking at your menu, the one you and I created.
The one that was my life savior for school lunches
because a pbj everyday wasn't on your mind
no it wasn't
And to whip up a new recipe every morning
To please your changing craving was becoming hard
pbj + apples
quessedilla + banana
crab cakes + pears
chicken nuggets + grapes
pasta + carrots
So many tears spent over this.
Your little eyes filled with so many tears
But once you put the first bite in your mouth you would smile your biggest smile and those tears would roll off those chubby cheeks and we would hug and I would look at you and say
don't waste those pearls, those precious pearls. They are mine. And I would drink up your tear and you would give me a big hug.
Sorry ma
And I would say, sorry ammu
Then we would enjoy our breakfast and plan a nap for after you came back home from school.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012


On August 29, I had an appointment for MASALA. This is a study conducted at UCSF for Indian families over 40. They are trying to study the cause of heart problems in the Indian population.

Apurva is the one that was contacted for this study but when he called to make an appointment the men's area was full so they booked me instead. I had casually asked them of the study and what it entailed. They mentioned that it would take a full day and I had to be nil by mouth and it was slew of different tests. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this... I wasn't sure I wanted to be part of any study.

For one reason or the other I had to cancel my appointment and they managed to schedule another one. I told myself, hey take your iPad, you haven't written in a long time this will give you a good chunk of time to write while you are sitting and waiting. I took lots of books and some snacks for when it was ok to eat.

I parked in the parking lot and walked to the hospital. As I'm walking through the hallways and getting in the elevator, my blood pressure drops. The elevator opens to the 5th floor and I look for the area I needed to go to. I get there and all I remember is a blankness all over myself. I filled the form that I was given and asked about the format of the tests and then one of the nurses comes and says, lets go to your room. Room! What room? I'm screaming in my mind but no words are coming out. I follow the nurse and she asks me to sit on the chair or bed wherever I'm comfortable. By now I'm numb. She leaves the room and I stare at the bed, the tables, the room, the light coming out of the window. I suddenly get up and walk out, tell the nurse I will be back and walk out, walk to the elevator, across the street to the parking lot and back in my car.

I could not do it. I texted Apurva, I'm freaking out. I cannot do this. I emailed the doctors from the study... I can't do this.

I did not realize that my body had gone in a kind of shock. I cried the entire way back. I came home and slept the entire day. I could not move. Why on earth did I sign up for this? What was I thinking? I guess there are memories and then there are memories... deep down, that you did not know were there.

Monday, August 27, 2012

First day of 8th grade and First day of 5th grade

Arjun started 8th grade today. Last year of middle school. A big year. Amaey would have started 5th grade, his last year in elementary school.

Last night when I went to say goodnight to Arjun we were talking about this. I told Arjun that though his brother is not here he is always with him. I said, maybe he is born somewhere, And Arjun goes.... But he might be in 5th grade. I was really perplexed.... How? He explains, you know how the soul leaves the body and then it goes into another body, you know how sometimes somebody if dying and their heart stops working but then they suddenly start breathing after a delay and they call it a miracle.... Maybe Amaey's soul went to some child going through that and now he is living his life as a 10 year old, as a 5th grader.

I was amazed at this story, I so want to believe it. It is beautiful. Yes, that can be possible right? Maybe in 2030 when the first person goes to Mars, Amaey will be one of them because of his second chance. Because his brother wants to believe that miracles can happen. Because his brother did not want him to suffer from cancer anymore and would rather give him up if it meant that he got a new life.

Oh Arjun, may these beautiful thoughts get you through 8th grade and beyond!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

August 25

I kept hoping that if i do not acknowledge that the date has arrived, that it is 11 months today, it will just pass.... 

I was taking a reiki class today and I asked the teacher, if the soul moves on and takes home in another form, then how is it that we can feel him with us, see him in different places and in different ways? He said, that the consciousness is always there. That never leaves us. That consciousness touches us in many different ways.

When I talked with the grandmaster she said, why are you despairing, don't cry because he came here to cleanse his soul and your family got to help him move to his next life form. Your duty was to serve him, take care of him and then it was time for him to leave.

Yes we understand all of that but it is so hard to fill the huge hole that we constantly feel. Davina was over and she said that she felt Amaey's presence really strong in the house and I couldn't help but agree. This is Amaey's house, he used every inch of it with lots of love. He has poured so many memories in each wall, each corner, each sofa, each bed, each closet. You cannot be in the house without feeling his warmth.

We pray for his next journey to be beautiful and we hope that it is just what he wants to make out of it.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

How I feel

Anticipation of Aug 4 drained me. How will I react? How will I feel? I really did not know. 4th has come and gone and my heart is still heavy, very heavy. I feel tired and have no energy to do anything. I try though but then I need to take a long nap because my brain cannot think, my heart cannot beat any faster, and my entire being feels like it is sleep walking.

The Compassionate Friends send notes and poems on my fb and this was one I had seen a while ago. A dear friend sailing the same shores sent it to me and yes... this sums up my life... right now.

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving...
... the sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away...

Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day... 
My heart is heavy with sorrow...

I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask "WHY"... 
At times my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly..

So great is my loss...

Please don't turn away from me
or tell me to move on with my life...
I must embrace my pain before I can heal...

Companion me through my tears...
sit with me in loving silence...
honor me where I am on this journey...

Don't forget me or my child...
Listen patiently to my story...
I may need to tell it over and over again...
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss...

Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead...
Forgive me when I am distant or inconsolable...
A Small flame still burns inside my heart...

Memories trigger both laughter and tears...
There is no right or wrong way to grieve...

We each must find our own paths... 
but... please will you walk beside me?

Thursday, August 02, 2012

The first of everything

When you have a baby the first year is the year of firsts. The first smile, the first pucker face, the stinkiest poop, the first words, was it ma, was it ga, what was that first word. The first steps, that first fall. the first fever and the first tear.

The first year is a celebration for the parents as much as it is for the child. The parents survived the fist year... They made it. They have a talking, walking bundle of joy on that first b'day. Bursting with pride, doubting every move they made yet fearlessly doing it every single day and seeing their rewards in that growing child, in that beautiful reward... The hug, the love.

The first of everything when you loose a child for those fearless parents is quite a fearful experience. The first time you walk through your front door and you don't have your greeter. When you get in your car and you do not have your passenger. Walk into a grocery store and the stories behind the blueberries, coconut milk, a particular bread, come gushing in your eyes. The first time you hear a song you sang together. The first time you enter their room and all you have is nothingness.

But none of this prepares you to their first b'day without them. 

August 4th 2002. He had to repeat his b'day so many times in his 9years. Every time he sat down for his poke, his blood test, his procedures, his clinic visits and stays. The first question they would ask is.... When is your b'day Amaey? And in his cute little voice he would say august 4 tutousantu. I could not tire myself from hearing that each time. I felt that through all those years of him repeating this date i saw him getting older and having yet another b'day.  As he got older he would say two thousand two and I started missing that baby voice but it was wonderful to see him fill up that chair where he got his blood test for 6years. What I wouldn't give to hear that one more time. 

I know we are a wreck right now. And it's hard to do anything. I feel drained out of every bit of energy I have. I don't know how we will feel tomorrow or day after, on the 4th. But we will go through yet another first that will expose our loss and rub it in our face...

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

July 25

This date arrives and stops me in my tracks.

I like that too. I call it my day with Amaey. I like to sit and just think about him today. I like to be within myself and just be. Sometimes I'm upset, sometimes, happy, sometimes I just want to go over everything that happened on that day.

How do I feel today?

I had lunch with a dear friend after a long time. I went and worked out in the gym with my niece. I took a power nap. In the evening I wanted to light a candle next to his photo and cry. His beautiful photo just looks straight at you with his big priceless smile. He is really trying to tell you, it's ok, he is really happy.

I love you Amaey. It's 10mths today.... How can time just go by? We, the living have to keep living, time keeps passing, we have to wake up the next day and the day after...

Thursday, June 28, 2012

What now?

How do I adjust to a 1 child family?

How do I keep myself busy?

I'm struggling right now. We run away the minute there is a break in Arjun's school. I buried myself in the Kids&Art auction. Really wanted to do it and now that is done too. The day after the auction I collapsed. I felt the vacuum and did not know how to fill it. The days leading upto the auction were so busy, so much to do, so much to get done, so much to pull together. So many people helping and just so much activity. The mind was busy. Happy too. When we went to Pixar to do art, it was sad to see all these bereaved families but there was so much positive energy in the art room. It felt like all the loved ones were there, holding our hands, painting with us.

But the real question under all of this is - how do I find the real normal?

I haven't even unpacked Amaey's bag since we came back from Israel. How do I get myself to clean up his closet. Thanks to Vicky she did it for me. I asked Arjun if I can empty the closet and take all of Amaey's clothes away and he emphatically said no. I have so many books that Amaey read, I'm debating whether i should donate them to the library or keep them, Arjun wants to leave them. He refuses to let anyone take anything that belonged to Amaey. For him Amaey lives in all those things that he touched.

My goal for going away for a month was to be able to look at life from afar and see if I can find a way to fix it. But I don't know what really needs fixing.

All I know is that Arjun has fond and loving memories of his little brother. For him, Amaey is happy. For him, Amaey deserved better. For him, Amaey was the smartes person he has ever met. He wants to live with those memories. He wants us to learn to do that too. He wants us to keep Amaey in our heart and learn to live with him. I so admire Arjun for that.

They say life closes one door and opens another. I do hope to find one soon because right now I feel astray.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

December 27 2011

I wrote this in December when we were in India while Apurva's dad was in the hospital--

Today I went to the hospital to relieve my mother in law. Dad is in the ICU. They had to take him in on Sunday morning. That afternoon Apurva asked me if Arjun and i could go to visit him... I couldn't. I just couldn't get myself anywhere near a hospital. 
Last night I was worried for dad and this morning was hard to stay in bed, I kept checking the time, I wanted it to be past 7:50 before Apurva called from the hospital. Suddenly at 6am we get a call and I jump out of bed but it was Swati, she wanted to let us know that she had reached. 
Today is 3 months since Amaey left us and I just do not know what the holds in store for us.

I had a gag reflex as I walked in the lobby of the hospital. I did not realize I had such strong emotions attached to it. The driver took me to the ICU on the first floor and as I opened the double doors I had to try hard to not start crying. So many people fighting for their life. In dads room, the constant beeping of the monitor, me trying to silence it, nurses and staff constantly checking in, dads frail body... 

I do realize that taking care of a child and an adult is different in some ways and similar in many. The biggest difference is that with a child you are responsible for everything, every decision. You need to curb their anxiety, explain before a procedure is going to be performed and prepare ahead of time for any new tests. An adult can handle it and take it in their stride. However the pain is the same. But it sure is hard to watch a child going through pain of an adults proportion.

Amazing Amaey

I wrote this in January. I'm thinking of doing an illustrated Book about Amaey. I spent some time talking with a book illustrator and she needed s little story about Amaey. So this is what I came up with--

Never thought he was sick
Did not consider himself less fortunate
Always had a smile on his face
Always lived in the moment
Loved life
Was very witty
Had a lot to offer to everyone, whether it was in the class setting, with his family, his friends or at the hospital
Loved his brother and always thought he and his brother would buy a 2 storey house and live together, yes even after they were married and had kids.
Believed in science
Wanted to play his piano like Omar Sossa
Wanted to do a throw down with Bobby Flay
He was an avid reader and picked his reading material very carefully
Wasn't easily swayed by people or fads or trends, instead he made his own rules

Monday, June 25, 2012

9 months

We are in London right now after spending 12 days in Italy.

Amaey would have loved the food in Italy. We ate amazing food everyday. Pasta and pizza was among Amaey's favorite foods. We don't think he would have liked Rome much. Yes the colosseum would have been a wow for him. Venice would have been enchanting for him. We think he would have liked the way the city does not need plumbers because the tide clears up the canals. He would have been fascinated with the several canals and the fact that there are no cars in the city. Florence, he would have really liked. We went to the Galileo Museum because we know he would have wanted to see it. We were so glad we did because it was an amazing collection of inventions. The way the room was designed, the way the exhibits were arranged, the clear explanations, the movies explaining all the I vent ions... It was quite spectacular.  Arjun and Apurva took so long in the museum that I left, sat at a bar, had my tea and foccacia and went back to the museum and they were still not done.

Here in London, Amaey would have loved to see his cousins and masi's and masa's. If you were to see Akhil, my sisters son, Amaey would have grown up to look like him. It is wonderful to see him. Akhil came to US in August 2011 and was there for Amaey's 9th b'day. He and Arjun would come and play games with Amaey in the hospital. 

Today, Arjun went to the Harry Potter World with his cousin Anokhi. Would Amaey have wanted to be there? He really liked all the Harry Potter books but did not really enjoy the last 2 movies. He thought that they overdid it by dividing the last movie into two parts. He and I re watched HP 2 many times in the hospital. We also decided to re watch the entire series but when it came to the last 2, Amaey did not enjoy them. He found them too loud and dark  and it wasn't something he wanted to do. 

Today, I went for coffee with my sister Bhavna, we were taking about a lot of different things. I wanted to know what time it was when they got the call about Amaey and she said it was 7:30am in London on Sept 26. As soon as Amaey had passed, I had called my sister Mona and told her ammu was no more and he was still here if they wanted to say anything to him for his journey. I kept my phone next to his ear while all four of them talked with him. 

Here in London, we keep talking about ammu. We talk about him whenever we think he would like something or find something weird. his family has been cooking amazing meals and tomorrow we are planning to go for dim sum in Leicester Square, and this meal is totally for ammu. Last time we were here in 2008, we went for dim sum and to the transport museum, and Amaey and Arjun had had the best time of their life. I know tomorrow he will be with us too.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Italy, we are in fattoria il lago, out in the middle of Tuscany. It takes an hour to get here from Florence, it's a small town, village I should say. Once you get to the farm, you forget everything. You forget that it took you 2.5 hrs to get here instead of 1. You forget that you finally made it in at 2am. You just forget everything. The cool nights breeze, the chirping of the birds, the wide expanse of lush green mountains and vineyards all around you take you away... The view outside our room is pure, all I see as far as my eyes can see is greenery. The Small chapel on the property is lit with lights. The 4 other villas are close but not too close. 

We went swimming in the pool and for a hike on the farm. Apurva wanted to carry on but I was too hot so I walked back. As I'm making my way, I feel ammu walking by me. I kissed my hand because I could feel his hand on mine. It was so beautiful that I did not want the moment to pass. We walked downhill for a while and I was peaceful. As I took a turn on the road, I knew he was not there anymore. I knew I was walking by myself. The weight on my hands was gone. No one was holding me hand. I had a warm smile in the 95 degree heat. 

I cannot express how beautiful that moment was. I have heard such stories and considered them fibs. But, I have had so many such special moments now that I know that these visits are real and special. 

I went for a walk after dinner, I think it was 10pm. The farm is lit up in a few lights and then all you can see is some distant light on the mountains and lights from the village square all the way down in the valley. The breeze is cold and the air smells fresh of jasmine and earth and sometimes just of the dry grass that is being packed into bales. As I left the columns that mark the entrance to the villas I could see some lights flickering. I kept walking towards the dark path wooded with trees. It was a bit spooky because it was pitch dark. I was really curios about the little flashing lights and as I kept walking I realized that I had fireflies all around me. I have read about fireflies and seen them in illustrations but never seen them in real life. I did not know that something could amaze me in this way. I felt like a little girl in an enchanted forest. I felt like I had a special showing of beauty.... All for me, unspoilt and breathtaking.

I turned back and took the path that went down toward the village, there was some light from the fattoria glowing my path intermittently. But whenever there was a dark patch I would see my firefly friends gliding effortlessly. 

Friday, May 25, 2012

8 months today

I met a friend at Trader Joes today and she was asking me how I was... my instant reaction is to say I'm ok, each day is different, but today, in my head I was counting the months and hours. I don't mean to. That is not what I want to remember. That is not how I want to remember Amaey either but somehow all the days around the 25th seem to be building up to a climax that I don't want to re-live.

I was sitting with Arjun and Apurva and told Arjun that this might be the last auction for Kids & Art and Arjun looks at me and says why? I said, do you want to be associated with cancer for all your life? Don't you want to move on now that Amaey is not with us? Do you think we should continue with Kids & Art? And without blinking he said, if Amaey was here he would have said, Ma I'm not the only child with Leukemia...

Yes, that is true, that is what Amaey would have said. Arjun knows him so well. That is the Amaey I want to remember. The compassionate, giving, and loving Amaey.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Amaeyzing Music

Yesterday was Arjun and Amaey's music schools performance day. This is the end of the school year performance and kids that are invited to participate get their level graduation medals.

Arjun got his level 1 in guitar. He played a beautiful tune on the guitar with Ms. Simone accompanying him on piano. It was beautiful.

We also made a short video as a dedication to Amaey. If he were here he would have performed and received his level 4 medal. Here is the link to the video and yes he did get his medal.

Friday, May 18, 2012


I have been keeping myself really busy. With 2 classes on campus, our Kids&Art auction, and some freelance work I think I'm stretched. It's good. I'm not complaining at all.

But you know what, filling every waking moment with work or tasks or todo lists doesn't really do much when it comes to what is hurting deep down.

All I have to do is blink and with every blink I see Amaey's beautiful smile. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face lit up, his eyes twinkling from his red glasses.

I was at Arjun's spring tea concert. It was beautiful to hear all the kids perform until the 4th graders get on stage to sing "Here comes the Sun" by Beatles. Tears don't have a lock and key, they don't have an agenda. They are free to come and go as they please. That is exactly how life is for me. I can be staring at his picture for hours, I could be talking about him, I could be spending time with his best friends and have a big smile on my face and all I need is for the breeze to touch me and I'll suddenly be in tears. I'll see a hawk flying on 280 and I'll be in tears...

I guess being busy just helps me get up and out of the house. But if I were to say that it is easign my pain... I'd be lying.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Kids & Art - Art Acution

We were planning our art auction for summer 2011 but 2011 was a whirlwind. Our Kids & Art families have created some amazing art and we are please that are planning an event to celebrate all the art.

Celebration of Life - Auction of art created by kids and families touched by cancer.
June 3, 4-7pm
Gallery 4N5, San Francisco

Purchase Ticket:

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

7 months

We started a science award in Amaey's school.
5 finalists were choosen from the graduating 5th grade science fair. The decision was based on Coolness factor(what would Amaey find cool), creativity, and actual scientific method. we asked the 5 children to write an essay on how and why they are passionate about science.

On April 19 we awarded the first, Amaey Shah Passion for Science award. It was a bitter sweet event for the 3 of us. Amaey told me he wanted to grow up and work for NASA. He wanted to go to the red planet. He wanted to invent jet shoes. When he got glasses I told him, Amaey an astronaut cannot wear glasses, I'm sorry baby you might not be able to become an astronaut but hey, by the time you grow up maybe rules would have changed. His science teacher, Madame Atom said that maybe he could do the more important job of staying down and making sure the people up there knew what they were doing. 

These possibilities made him quite happy with the future prospects. He wanted to grow up and be famous. He knew that science was his thing.

When science let him down, he was sad.

 On the radio I keep hearing about private missions to the moon. Plans to get to mars. Making manned missions more possible in this lifetime. In Hindu philosophy we believe in reincarnation. We believe that something that you did not get to complete in your life, you will be born again to take care of it. Maybe in his current life, this is all the time he was given. Maybe he had to go through what he did as part of his last life. Now he is free. Free to start fresh. Free to do whatever he wants in a new body. I would like to believe that someday he will be able to fulfill his dreams with a healthy and happy body.

I love you Amaey, wherever you are.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Piano lessons

I decided to take piano lessons at Amaey and Arjun's music school. I started in January and I'm really loving it. I feel like I'm playing for Amaey. When I'm struggling I look at his photo and I can see him asking me to not be hard on myself and keep trying. When I do really well, I feel he is proud of me.

I can feel him hovering around the piano jumping from his left to right feet. He could never stand still when he was excited. He loved hopping on his feet.
He would have been a great teacher. I know he would. When he was learning, I did not know how to read music so when he needed help I was of no use.
There is a song he was learning towards the end... The Spanish bolero, I think. He played it in the hospital. He would serenade the nurses with that tune. I loved that tune. That is what I'm aspiring to get to. My instructor told me... It's atleast 2-3 books away, quite advanced. He made it seem so easy. Well I'm up for the challenge...

Monday, April 02, 2012

Arjun's school

Arjun's school is celebrating culture week and today was India/pak/Persian day. They had lots of events from Bollywood dancing to dandia for all the teachers to dressing all the faculty. In the afternoon they had henna and rangoli and more fun and at pick-up they had a fashion show. I haven't felt like participating in things but I do. I was looking at what to wear and picked something understated... And Amaey came to my mind. He told me once that he thought that I was always well dressed and knew how to dress for an occasion. He was right to some extent, even if we were going to the hospital I would make sure I did my best to make a fun event of it. I never made our hospital visits and long stays into a boring, unfortunate outing. It was something we had to do and we were going to do it in style.

On that note I went to my closet and decided I was going to dress for the catwalk. I took outfits for Arjun and his friends and it turned out to be a really nice event. I wasn't sad that Amaey wasn't there but I felt like he was walking with me when I walked down the red carpet with Arjun.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Kids & Art

Looking at my time since Amaey was diagnosed in 2005 and I quit my job then, I understand that I'm a person that needs to be creative. If it is not through a job then it has to come through redesigning our kitchen and yards. Or by hosting Arjun's Lego club at our house. Or by going back to teaching, but online if that's all I can handle. Or by accepting some small freelance projects that did not have a crazy deadline. Or by founding a non profit that teams up families touched by cancer with local bay area artists.

I founded Kids & Art after Amaey started home schooling and found lots of joy in coloring and painting. He wasn't a kid that liked to paint on demand or paint by numbers or on a selected theme. He was a free bird (I'm sure my sisters will say, like me) but when he started painting, it would be this beautiful texture of colors. There was so much personality in them. We were lucky to purchase his self portrait print and his waffle painting. Seeing those paintings on my walls tells me that he was so true to himself.
He was going through dexamethasone(steroid that made him very moody, hungry, emotional, and all of them raised to 100) when he created the waffle painting. The artist he worked with was Sanjay Patel, they were scribbling away and then Sanjay asked him, hey Amaey what did you eat for breakfast today.... Oh boy... Did Amaey take off after that. He explained in delicate detail all his toppings and textures and flavors. So they decided to paint that.

I have his painting when he spelt syrup as serup and orange as orgen. I'm so glad we have that painting and I know that Apurva and Arjun feel the same way too. It sits above our breakfast nook in our kitchen. He is there with us in an ever so integral way.

When I think of that intimate moment then my question to my dilemma... What do I do with Kids & Art is answered. Then I believe that Kids & Art should continue, give kids their voice, their passion a place in someone's home or office.

But how do I continue, I don't have my muse, my Amaey?

I'm scared that I don't represent hope to parents. What am I going to say if they ask me about my connection with cancer?

When I don't think about that, all I can see is sending canvases and colors out to the kids in the stem cell unit and to kids who have to stay in the hospital for an extended time. And to the siblings and parents who are bound within the monochromatic world of the hospital, I would love to send them these colors so that they can see a glimmer of beauty that they created.

We are planning our Kids & Art auction this year on June 2 or 3 and we have some amazing artists donating their art and we will display all the art kids have created in 2010 and 2011.

But what next? Should I continue Kids & Art? Is it really benefitting families the way I think it is? Frankly, I don't know what to do...

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Arjun needed to go to the library to get some books for his school project. When I took him there I had to drive past Amaey's school and I was amazed at how much construction was going on there. I sudden;y felt sad that Amaey won't get to see the new and improved school. As we were parking at the library a gush of emotions came over me. This was Amaey's home favorite place. There was a time when we would check out 10-12 books  and while I'm checking them out Amaey would finish reading a Geranimo Stillton or a Garfield.

He loved the library. It was like an all you can eat place where you can go for seconds and thirds and pile up your plate high with dessert... Calvin and Hobbes in Amaey's case.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

02 21 2012

I took over to drive the highlander. A car we had talked about. The car I wanted to buy and you and Arjun had liked it too. Just as I was looking in the rearview mirror I felt like I saw you through the mirror like I always did when I drove you around like little miss daisy. I could see you seat belted with your head resting in the seat and your red glasses on and you were looking outside the window and I could hear your mind thinking something.
Then our eyes met and you gave me your infectious warm smile and I sent you  my mammoo kiss and you gave me this big warm smile that you would and turned your head inwards and then you were gone.

But you were there.

As I write this, I'm on the plane. I'm flying back to SFO and it is feb 25. It's 5months today and once again I will get to the airport but you will not be accompanying us. You are off on your journey. I guess life is a journey and I'm reading a book called Aleph where Paulo Coelho says that we are all one soul and we all meet from time to time. I wish to have many more journeys and I hope to keep meeting you!

Cross country skiing

We went to Michigan and went on a skiing trip. Arjun and Meera decided to ski and Swati, Apurva, and I decided to cross country instead. 

We watched people riding up the ski lifts and then coming down on the slopes with grace and speed. I did not desire that. I did not desire to ride up and come down with a rush of adrenaline. I did not desire to soar a new height. I did not desire speed and the wind gushing towards me. 
What I desired was a calm walk through the snow covered roads. A peaceful introspection. I wanted to cross country ski and take in the sights. Walk the terrain, feel the bumps, climb the unexpected hills and let go on the way down. Fall and then get right up. Each time I got stuck in the snow and drifted back with my skis I would tell myself, you can do it, stay focused and don't panic and I would move on. When we finished the basic green trail and decided to do the level 2 blue trail there were lot more slopes and the terrain was not as well marked which meant we had to figure it out ourselves. Little slopes would suddenly show up and before you knew you were bending your knees and heading down with speed you did not desire and all I kept telling myself is, you are not afraid, you are not going to fall. 
It was truly wonderful to stand there in the middle of nowhere with snow all around you and flurries falling gently on you. It was magical. Just 3 of us in this vast expanse of space.

On the second day the terrain got more icy and the same trail became a little more arduous. I fell so many times because the snow made the skis slip and pushed me back on the slope and invariably fall.

This experience felt like life where there is so much beauty and so many slopes hidden at each corner, waiting for you to fail, waiting for you to pick up and move on again. Waiting for you to give up and then seducing you with more Beauty and flat easy surfaces just to find a big slope at the end of it...

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

02 21 2012

We got in the car to drive to Boynn Highlands for our ski trip. The car is packed with food and Harry Potter movies. As soon as we started driving, I saw you. I suddenly felt that you were putting your seatbelt on and with your big smile and sparkly eyes you were just looking around ready to have a great time on this journey.

There is now on the road and trees beautifully covered in snow. I felt like I was talking with you, explaining everything you had a question for. My heart filled up and my I started crying. Meeradidi and Arjun are sitting in the back with me and they suddenly turned their faces, they didn't want me to feel bad they they saw me crying. 
I saw you. I felt you and that is all that matters to me.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

3rd St SF

I went back to work, 2 days a week, last week. I needed to get out of the house, physically move myself and communicate with someone other then my thoughts and myself.

First day after I was done teaching and I was walking back to my car, I passed Osha Thai, my steps suddenly slowed down at the St. Francis appartments, the stairs, their waterfall. I could see Amaey sitting there with a big smile on his face. We took a beautiful picture there. I slowly walk past Osha, and as I watch people in the restaurant I could see his amazement and wonderment. I had told him to dress well we were going on a date to the city. He looked so cute in his grey corduroys. When we were ordering I let him order a Shirley Temple for lunch, in a very Amaey way he looks around at the beautiful chandeliers and the modern design of the restaurant and goes, ma this must be expensive! Shirley temple for lunch!! Thanks ma!

I told him he was a special date today. We ordered lots of different food and then walked up the stairs of the building and took some wonderful photos. Then we went across to the Yerba Buena Gardens, just walked around and we went looking for ice-cream and walked a few blocks took our ice cream and walked happily to our car.

Today when I walked past after work, my eyes filled up. I was so happy that I had such special moments with him. I just stood there and looked around... Remembered Arjun, Amaey, and my date to Samovar in the Yerba Buena Gardens. Here I'm walking in with two kids, not taken seriously. They had wonderful waiters and an eclectic menu. Amaey and Arjun totally fell in love with it. The ambiance, the decor, the menu, the food on the table next to us everything made them feel special. Once the boys started ordering and asking questions about their menu and their place the server was all over us. She couldn't get over the fact that the boys were ordering and calling the shots. Such foodies. The 3 of us ordered so much and ate it all up. Amaey would dig into his hi-tea sandwich and nod his head and smile, ummm good! We went down to the waterfall with MLK words printed all around it. We read it all and talked about what it meant. The boys ran around in the garden.

Our visit to the contemporary Jewish museum was yet another wonderful memory. An amazing museum with a wonderful collection of exhibits on display. The boys loved learning about the Torah and absolutely loved the music room.

The curious George exhibit was another really special outing for us. Both the boys grew up loving Curious George books and seeing the exhibit made it come alive for them like they knew the character even better now that they knew the artists and writers behind these stories.

All I had to do was a 360 degree look around and from where I was standing I could feel my boys everywhere. I'm so thankful for having spent so much time with Amaey, so much wonderful time with him, so much special time with him.


Got this in my email today.

Friday, February 03, 2012

Hello My friends mom

When Amaey would call Gabriel's house and if he was in one of his goofy moods and if Davina picked up the phone he would say, Hello My friends mom can I talk with my friend. And Davina would play along and then they would continue a really long conversation without exchanging any names.

I just read Davina's comment on my previous post and of course I started crying. This morning I went for a walk with Maureen and we talk about everything. We ended up talking about the soul and connections we human beings make with each other and we wondered how and why we make them.

She said that Christopher misses his friend dearly. He makes things that he would have loved to share with Amaey. She says that sometimes she can see that if he had shared something with Amaey the two of them would have talked for a long time about it and it would have had a different meaning for Christopher.

Listening to Gabriel's thoughts on how he is writing to Amaey and Amaey will read and correct his work just feels like Amaey was so blessed to have had friends who knew him so very well. Each had a unique realtionship with Amaey.

The only reason I bring both the boys up is because this morning I went to wake up Arjun in his room and all the photos of Amaey and Arjun just talked to me. I stood in front of them and wondered how Arjun is really doing. Everyone says that they understand how hard it must be for me as a mom but today in Arjun's room I felt that my pain is nothing... how is Arjun dealing with this. His confidante, his partner in crime, his 24/7 buddy is no more. How lost he must feel.

When I think about these 3 boys I wonder how their relationship with Amaey will shape their lives. I know Amaey will be a part of their life forever in some way or the other but I wonder how it will manifest as they grow up?

Monday, January 30, 2012


Today as I walked out of the gym I heard some wailing sound, I couldn't understand what it was and as I got closer to it I realized that a woman was crying unconsolably and the man with her was trying to help her through it.

As I was walking past her I slowly started praying to let her grieve and free herself of whatever was causing the pain.

The gym is one crazy place... if you are going through an emotional rollercoaster then you don't need a shrink, just go take a yoga class and you will end up crying once you are done. I might get through the entire class and just as we have to do our last pose of resting peacefully with your eyes close it will all come up and before I know I'm crying. I just stay there and cry and thentake a deep breath say my namaste and then roll up my mat and leave. Suddenly I have a big smile on my face. I don't understand these feelings and I really don't need to analyze them so I just let them be.

Last week when I went completely out of control with my feelings I realized that it is really important to let go of ones feelings once in a while. Let the floodgates open and cry as much as you want and can... you can't cry forever. Once you are done, you do feel lighter. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Talking Doctor

I just talked with Amaey's talking doctor and asked he what her last conversation with Amaey was about--

She looked through her notes and said, her last conversation was on September 12, 2011. Amaey was very happy to be going home today. All he wanted to do was walk around in his house, jump on his bed, and he hoped that his brother did not have too much homework so that he can play with him.
She asked him about his experience in the hospital and he said that he was happy in his room before the transplant. The worst  was his headache on the day of his transplant, peg injections, and his biopsy. The two of them talked about coping mechanisms and Amaey decided he would watch cartoons on his ipad next time he had a procedure.

She said that she sees a lot of patients and Amaey was someone she looked forward to seeing because she knew he would make her laugh and show her a new toy and play music on his keyboard. She said a lot of kids that are undergoing treatment become entitled but she found Amaey to be very content and happy and he never saw himself as sick.

Which is so true of Amaey and that is why she was very surprised when I told her that when we left the hospital Amaey said bye to the hospital and said, I will never come back again. I also told her about the instance when Amaey told me that we should sue his doctor. I was so shocked that Amaey said something like that that I did not have any words come out of my mouth. For Amaey who believed that science could do miracles, someone who wanted ot work for NASA and go to Mars, what he was going through was just a blip, a passing, something that would be over and then he would move on to real scientific things.

She said she was suprised that Amaey thought about that but she understands that he must have been very angry and that was his reaction to the way things were going.

I told her that Amaey was very picky about people, when she was to meet him the first time we were not sure how he would take it and once she left and we asked him if she was ok, he said, yes, it will work out. She laughed at this and was very happy that Amaey liked her and approved of her. She thought he was a great kid.

The turtle

My friend Steph... sent this to me just as I was looking at the clock change to 9:50pm.
A great deal of mythology exists in regard to the turtle. In the Far East, the shell was a symbol of heaven, and the square underside was a symbol of earth. The turtle was an animal whose magic could help you unite heaven and earth within your own life. A symbol of the turtle was an invitation for the blessings of both heaven and earth.

-- You have one child in heaven and one on earth, you should adopt this symbol as your own.

Amaey's love for turtles, and all these turtles coming to meet us in Kauai were maybe there to unite Amaey with us and then take him with them. 

Steph, thank you so much for sharing this today.  Thank you!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

4 months today

Yesterday was the hardest day I have had in a while. I blame it on the 2 Back to the Future movies I recently re-watched.

I wish I could change time and change what was to happen today. If only I could.... I would still have my baby here with me and this family would be genuinely happy again. If only....

But reality wants to show it's true face and rub it in our nose that life is different now.

I know the healing process is like the ebb and flow of the waves, some days will be easy and some days the tide will sweep over everything.

Unfortunately as time passes the reality that Amaey will not return is hard to bear. Each hour from yesterday and today are taking me back to Sept 25 and 26 in Tel Aviv. So much pain, so much loss, so much love.

For the first time in my entire life I cried with fear when my sister Mona called me in my hotel room at 11 something at night on the 25th. I cried that I could not take it any more. I cried that we have never asked for anything and we have done everything possible for our dear child... what more does god want from us. It just seems so unfair. And then Apurva called to say Amaey was asking for me, I should come to the hospital and I left Arjun sleeping alone in the hotel room and ran to the hospital not knowing what was really happening.
But he looked calm. It felt like the tide might pass. He was looking comfortable for the first time in many hours. We had been through this, in the ambulance in 2010, we had been through this in the ICU in 2009. This was no different. Maybe Amaey will come out of it. He alwasy did. So I sent Apurva to the hotel to sleep and come back again in the morning with Arjun. But in a few hours I had to call both of them to the hospital... and now I cannot change what has happend. I never will be able to.

I love you Amaey, wherever you are, I hope you know that you are truly and dearly loved. 

Monday, January 23, 2012

Dil Aakhir tu kyun rota hai (heart why are you crying)

I watched this Bollywood movie on my way back from India. There are a few poems interspersed in the movie and one really spoke to me. It was a fun movie and well made, I did not expect to be in tears while watching it... but I don't expect to be in tears when I hear science news and quest on radio either.

An english translation is in this poem

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Jan 22

Davina gave me a card along with a cd when we left for Kauai to scatter Amaey's ashes. Since we had to pre-pone the service I did not get a chance to read the card and then I just could not find it. Today we were cleaning the house and I found it... It was meant to be for today because today I'm missing Amaey a lot. Today is the 22nd, we were packing to leave for Israel. That day in September was a stark difference from today. Today it's just Arjun and me in the house, a very quiet house. On that day we had a house full of close family and friends that were helping us pack with a very heavy heart and a lot of hope.

Reading this card brought some calmness in my turbulent heart.

Here is the card--

When cherished ties are broken, and the chain of love is shattered, only trust and strength of faith can lighten the heaviness of the heart. At times, the pain of separation seems more than we can bear, but if we dwell too long in our loss, we embitter our hearts and harm ourselves and those about us.

The Palmist said that in his affliction, he learned the law of god. And in truth, grief is a great teacher, when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort, those like ourselves who need comfort and are bowed with sorrow. We learn to keep silent in their presence and when a word would assure them of our love and concern.

Even when they are gone, the departed are with us, moving us to live as, in their higher moments, they themselves wished to live. We remember them now; they live in our hearts; they are an abiding blessing.

May his memory be a blessing.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


My friend Raj was asking me why I haven't writen anything on the blog for a while... It has been hard because so much is going on. In India we were really busy with Apurva's dad being in the hospital. I could not enter the hospital and I did not go to visit him but Apurva fell sick and I had to do the day shift. First day killed me....
But then I had enough time to go over things in my head and rationalize. The next few days became a bit easy.

It seems like I'm in a phase where I'm inside myself now. Instead of emotions coming out they are staying inside and I'm trying to figure out how to live and how to move ahead and how to keep going without breaking down. This has proved to be very tiring and exhausting for sure. But much needed.

Apurva has had to be in India and that has been very hard. He was in India for a month and then came back with me and had to go back in a week because his dad's health became critical. On Jan 16, his dad passed away in the ICU. Apurva said that when they removed his ventilator it almost seemed like his dad had a smile like he had seen something.... Apurva said that during the 4 hours he sat with his dad in the room after he had passed away he had several visions of Amaey and his dad deep in conversations. He said it was so real that he cannot express himself. Amazingly, he had that same vision 4 times.

In a strange way, yes I can see Amaey and his dada deep in a conversation. The two of them were so similar, so intense, so single minded.

Farewell Ammudada. We know that Amaey and you will take care of each other.

Compassionate friends

My friend Sonal suggested that I check this site. She said that their facebook page was a good resource... I already started receiving some poems that I like and can relate to. I was looking for resources for Arjun and like this poem they had on their site

Siblings Walking Together

(Formerly the Sibling Credo)

We are the surviving siblings of The Compassionate Friends.
We are brought together by the deaths of our brothers and sisters.
Open your hearts to us, but have patience with us.
Sometimes we will need the support of our friends.
At other times we need our families to be there.
Sometimes we must walk alone, taking our memories with us,
continuing to become the individuals we want to be.
We cannot be our dead brother or sister;
however, a special part of them lives on with us.
When our brothers and sisters died, our lives changed.
We are living a life very different from what we envisioned,
and we feel the responsibility to be strong even when we feel weak.
Yet we can go on because we understand better than many others
the value of family and the precious gift of life.
Our goal is not to be the forgotten mourners that we sometimes are,
but to walk together to face our tomorrows as surviving siblings of
The Compassionate Friends.