Monday, January 31, 2011

You are on hold, please wait.

What does it mean to be on hold. I'm not one of those that can ever answer that question. Or I should say I wasn't one of those. For me being on hold was not an option, you did what you felt like, when you felt like it. If it is important to you, you will find a way to do it why should something hold you back.
But being on hold becomes part of your life when you become a cancer parent. You know in India when you would call a government office you would get a  recording that would say, you are in queue please wait. Yup that is how life is for a parent with a child fighting a life threatening disease.
You are given a timeline and you dash to make it through, rushing for the finish line. You put your entire life on hold to make the deadline. When you get to the finish line, suddenly you find out that there is more, the race is not over yet. You pack-up your sandwiches, put on your running shoes and get on track, again. In the meantime life has passed you by. More than half of your child's life has gone by.
You look for the silver lining. The brighter side of life. The meaning beneath all of this. The underlying message.
Funny thing is, this staying on hold business can become part of your life. You can get good at it. You can suddenly carve out a niche by figuring out how to make something out of nothing. You can become a queen at making the most of cancelled plans. You can carve out some memories from nothing. You learn to make the most of rainy days.
Being on hold becomes an alternative lifestyle. You know, like being a hippy. No cares, no time lines, nowhere to go. Just love and your, forever on hold, lifestyle.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Where are we

We are here, trudging along. When the treatment slows down the anxiety amps up. You don't need to be hospitalized, don't need to see the doctors that often, don't have many alarm bells ringing either. BUT restless nights and scary dreams set in.
It is too quiet, is everything all right. Should we be doing more. Should we be checking for relapse markers. Crazy thoughts that should not really be entertained just come in, uninvited.
Amaey is at school now except for the once every month chemo which knocks him out for a few days. Arjun is in 6th grade still playing his tabla and now guitar as well. He is taking a break from 3 times a week of swimming and is trying out fencing and he really likes it.
Apurva is busy with wrapping up Cars2 and having fun with his iPad.
I got to focus on Kids & Art and we did an Art Walk in December 2010. It was a wonderful event. We had almost 60-80 pieces of art displayed at 6 local businesses. It was phenomenal to pull an event of this kind. What amazes me is that we human beings have the power to do whatever we put our hearts and minds on. I don't know how things happen but they do and when you look back on them, it feels like an out of body experience.
I'm also back to teaching and taught 2 sessions last semester and will do the same in the spring session. Sometimes I feel like I should not be working at all and should instead focus 100% on Amaey's health. So these 3 weeks that college is out is a good trial for that and I have to say that I cannot do that. I just can't. I'm driving myself crazy with anxiety. A dear friend just got diagnosed with cancer and it has brought the worst memories back from our first year of treatment. I had thought that I had moved on and forgotten all of that but it's not true. If I did not work and keep myself busy I would become a nutcase.