Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Living legacy

For everyone that reads this blog, for whoever knew Amaey, I urge you to write your memories of him.  Memories is all we have and I know he made his own connections with people. I know he touched everyone in his own sweet way. Please share that and help us see that part of Amaey.

Someday, when Arjun grows and maybe has moved out... I know he will want to read this blog. I know he will stumble upon this wealth of stories and pain and joy.

I'm scared that if I don't write down all my little memories with him... over time they will fade. That will be such a loss. I want to capture them and treasure them. Please help me do that.

Love and remembrance

Yesterday we spent the day remembering ammu.

We took lunch to his friend Gabriel's class. The class of 2013, he might have been in that class. It was really wonderful seeing all the kids. What was most touching was the maturity and warmth of the kids. Whoever had been with him in various classes since Kindergarten, remembered him and made a point to let us know when they were with him. One child was truly amazing, he told me that he understood my pain and how I felt because he recently lost his uncle who he was very close to.
Gabriel helped us set-up and stayed with us the entire time. He did not go out and play instead he chatted with Arjun while they were waiting for the kids to show up.

In the afternoon we went to Skylawn. Yes there was a hawk there. A lone hawk flying around the overlook. We stayed there for a little while and left after the hawk had flown away. Pratish and didi were with us too.

The evening was warm and touching. A fire glowing and everyone settled down around it. David shared some words from The Dalai Lama on life after death. We opened it out for friends to share stories about Amaey and then we started our kirtan. Sugandhi started off with amazing grace how sweet the sound... Raj sang a few chants and at some point, yes I did feel the breeze, there was a rustling sound and I had to take my shawl off that I was wearing because I got very hot. I did not realize these chain of events until this morning when I mentioned them to Apurva.

You were there... with us. I know.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A life well lived

Today, look back and make a note of all those promises you made.
Today, take an account of all that you have.
Today, look ahead and assess the plans you have set in motion.
Then, stop.
Just look around you.
Take a look within yourself.
Now, stop again.
Just for today, do something that makes you genuinely happy.
Just for today, don't think about tomorrow or the day after.
Just for today, do something silly, eat something unhealthy, feel naughty, smile and laugh and love abundantly.
For a life well lived will be remembered forever.
For a life well lived will bring happiness well after you are gone.

September 25

We are planning to share today with family and friends and everyone that asks about you and thinks about you.

We decided to be outdoors, in the backyard where you loved to spend your time.

When you would wake up, you would share some tea from me and take your mug and your book and sit on the chair. Your glasses would fog up from drinking hot tea.
The rays of the sun would make you raise your head up, you would close your eyes and soak up the sun.
Such bliss would surrounded you.

We plan to have an inspirational talk followed by chanting and then your favorite dinner - mini idli with rice.

We want to be outdoors, we hope to feel you in the breeze and see you enjoy the warmth from the campfire, and glow up from all the love.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Yes I worry

Yes I worry.
I worry that my memories will fade
I worry that each moment won't remain vivid.

Just the other day I woke up and hoped
that you were in the kitchen,
sitting by the window, reading your Calvin and Hobbes
I was waiting for a tantrum
Your fancy cravings
Your precise fancy cravings
But, there was no one, just me and the music
So I did it - I made my poached eggs, omelet style in the 4 little moulds
Whipped up a fancy gourmet breakfast.
I did it in your memory.
I keep looking at your menu, the one you and I created.
The one that was my life savior for school lunches
because a pbj everyday wasn't on your mind
no it wasn't
And to whip up a new recipe every morning
To please your changing craving was becoming hard
pbj + apples
quessedilla + banana
crab cakes + pears
chicken nuggets + grapes
pasta + carrots
So many tears spent over this.
Your little eyes filled with so many tears
But once you put the first bite in your mouth you would smile your biggest smile and those tears would roll off those chubby cheeks and we would hug and I would look at you and say
don't waste those pearls, those precious pearls. They are mine. And I would drink up your tear and you would give me a big hug.
Sorry ma
And I would say, sorry ammu
Then we would enjoy our breakfast and plan a nap for after you came back home from school.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012


On August 29, I had an appointment for MASALA. This is a study conducted at UCSF for Indian families over 40. They are trying to study the cause of heart problems in the Indian population.

Apurva is the one that was contacted for this study but when he called to make an appointment the men's area was full so they booked me instead. I had casually asked them of the study and what it entailed. They mentioned that it would take a full day and I had to be nil by mouth and it was slew of different tests. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this... I wasn't sure I wanted to be part of any study.

For one reason or the other I had to cancel my appointment and they managed to schedule another one. I told myself, hey take your iPad, you haven't written in a long time this will give you a good chunk of time to write while you are sitting and waiting. I took lots of books and some snacks for when it was ok to eat.

I parked in the parking lot and walked to the hospital. As I'm walking through the hallways and getting in the elevator, my blood pressure drops. The elevator opens to the 5th floor and I look for the area I needed to go to. I get there and all I remember is a blankness all over myself. I filled the form that I was given and asked about the format of the tests and then one of the nurses comes and says, lets go to your room. Room! What room? I'm screaming in my mind but no words are coming out. I follow the nurse and she asks me to sit on the chair or bed wherever I'm comfortable. By now I'm numb. She leaves the room and I stare at the bed, the tables, the room, the light coming out of the window. I suddenly get up and walk out, tell the nurse I will be back and walk out, walk to the elevator, across the street to the parking lot and back in my car.

I could not do it. I texted Apurva, I'm freaking out. I cannot do this. I emailed the doctors from the study... I can't do this.

I did not realize that my body had gone in a kind of shock. I cried the entire way back. I came home and slept the entire day. I could not move. Why on earth did I sign up for this? What was I thinking? I guess there are memories and then there are memories... deep down, that you did not know were there.