Tuesday, November 29, 2011


When we had to prepone the ash scattering service from 25th to 22nd, I was really mad. Really mad. I haven't been mad in a while. I felt cheated of my days with my baby. I had to give him up sooner than I would have liked.

Now in hindsight, I'm happy we did it when we did, it gave me more time to process while I was still there in Kauai. I did not end up bringing all my anxieties and questions back with me. I do not feel like I deserted my child.

The day of November 22 was dark and rainy. The only day it really rained while we were there. On one hand we were worried about Apurva's dad. On the other hand, I just received an email from a friend who lost her husband just 3 months after the passing of her son. I was in a state of shock. Unbelievable, aren't these things only for movies and high melodrama soaps?

As we made our way to Poipu to pick up flowers and sign all the waivers, the sun was coming out. By the time we got to the dock it had completely cleared out into a beautiful island day. The captain asked us where we wanted to go and Apurva asked to go out in the open ocean somewhere where we could find Honu's. The captain knew just the place and off we went with Amaey on my lap. When we moored we were totally surprised to see Honu's all around us. We could see them swimming and disappearing. As we started to put some petals in the water a baby Honu came swimming towards our boat. It was this beautiful turtle, not afraid of coming close. Then we scattered Amaey's ashes and the ocean seemed to open up to take him in. One by one we placed all our paper boats with messages. More petals and.... He was one with the ocean.
The sun was slowly setting and we sat down at the open deck and watched the sun set in the horizon with Omar Sossa's Sunrise and Sunset piano performance from his CD Calma. This was Amaey's favorite CD. http://omarsosa.com/discog.php

I felt like he was leaving me. I cried and cried. All of us did. Arjun, Apurva, my parents and I were just touching each other in silence, reveling at nature, the world around us, what we had just done and witnessed.

When we finally got ready to go back to the harbor we saw more honu's and realized that we were right opposite the hotel we had stayed at with Amaey on our last few trips there. I guess certain things are just meant to be...

This was such an emotional experience. So beautiful, so real, so heart wrenching.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

One with the ocean

Kauai, the garden isle. Kauai the most beautiful place to be. Amaey wanted his ashes scattered here.
Today we will go on a boat, out to sea and send him off on his last journey.
Initially our plan was to do the service on the 25th on his 2mth anniversary but apurva's dad is in the ICU in India...

Our baby will swim with his honus and dolphins...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Family of 4 no 3

We miss him, we miss him so very much.

The balance of our family is completely gone. It was never supposed to be a family of 3, no it was always supposed to be the 4 of us. We are so incomplete without Amaey. Cooking is too easy, there is no complaining. Arjun is an angel, he always was the easy going one, anything flies. He will let us know if he does not like what is for dinner but he will still eat it and enjoy it. That would have never been the case with Amaey, why are we eating indian food every single day? so what if grandparents are here why do I have to eat this every day? 

Ok, what do you want to eat today... and suddenly he will be off on my iphone checking the allrecipes.com app or the food network. Amaey it is already 5:30 and I have had a busy day and I really don't want to be making something from scratch. In one ear, out the other... how about linguine in pesto sauce with grilled shrimp, he would look up with his glasses sitting on his nose and the wide smirk on his face and the cute dimples on his cheek. How could anyone say no to that face.

That is what we miss, the troublemaker, the one that questioned our authority, the one that got lots of nuggies from his brother, got chased around with a sword, the one that was the cause of endless hours of screaming and negotiating in the house. The one that ruffled his brother and then started shouting not fair when he was being pestered.

Should we have another child? Sure we are still young. There are plenty families that have kids at our age. Or should we adopt? Or should we get a dog?

How does one move on, how does one keep living with this huge gapping hole in the core of your life. You can't replace this loss. Nothing can really fit in those shoes. So how do you find meaning?

Everyone keeps telling me to go back to work. Find a job, go do what you use to do before. You were so good at what you did before, we are sure you will get right into it. Really? Do you know that I quit my high powered creative director job in 2005? Whatever I did before was 6 years ago not yesterday. and now it's not even been 2 months since my life has changed, once again and everyone expects that I will walk into an ad agency or a media firm and get the creative directors job because I was so good at it. I know everyone has really good intentions when they say  that to me. I know they all mean well and they really know that if I don't find something to do I will go crazy. But it all just sucks.

You know what I want to do? I want to get to gether with my close friends and talk about Amaey. I want to remember him. I want to cry. Why are people so scared to do that. Why are they always asking if we have moved on, if we are putting our lives back together. What is the hurry? Will we ever move on? Will our lives ever be together? I sure do hope so. I do want to move on, I sure do want to keep myself busy and find something meaningful and useful to do with my life. I do want to pick up the pieces and stitch the life back but I haven't found all the pieces yet. I haven't found the pieces to patch the hole yet.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

My friend

My friend told me that she admired my being so open on my final personal moments with Amaey. That really got me thinking...

I have never seen death so close ever in my life before. I haven't even been remotely interested in knowing or finding out even if someone had ever talked about it. Having been with Amaey as he was leaving us was almost like having a conversation with your child when he is ready to leave for college or with your daughter before she walks down the aisle.

It was a very personal moment but a very troubling and heartbreaking one at the same time. I could not get it out of my head. I could not believe that I had really gone through this in my lifetime. I did not know what I was writing when I sat down to write and when the words came pouring out I realized that I was writing for Amaey. I wanted to let him know what happend. I wanted to let him know that we were there, with him, the whole time.

Is there an afterlife? Yes I do believe in afterlife, I believe our soul moves on, we are reborn and then the cycle of life starts again. Are we always born as a human? I don't know. But whereever Amaey is, and I think he is already plotting some fun with Steve Jobs, I want him to know that we were there, as he had planned, we were there with him the whole time. I don't have any expectations from him, I want him to be free. 

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Last Night

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, I received a text. Suddenly I hear a huge sigh from Apurva. I have heard the sigh over the past month and I have sighed the same way so I knew exactly what was going on BUT I did not know what came to his mind.

He told me that the beep from the text brought back memories of those days we spent living close to our phone. Apurva and I alternated staying in the hospital and everynight and first thing in the morning whoever was with Amaey texted a synopsis, the lay of the land as one saw it. Most of the time we left details unsaid. We did not want the person at home to worry. We needed that person to recharge and be ready for the next day.

We texted each other everytime a nurse would bring in new directions, Amaey would sleep, not sleep, a doctor would stop by. At some point we were obsessed with fevers. Does he have a fever? Check it again after 15 minutes. Make sure he is not under double sheets. Is he under double sheets? It's hovering at borderline, oh it's almost 38. Phew it's 37.9.

The bweep of the text was enough for us to drop everything and focus on what might come next.