Monday, February 14, 2011

3 weeks of hell

3 weeks ago we found out that a stray blast was found in Amaey's spinal tap. It could mean nothing, a fluke, completely random occurrence, OR it could mean a relapse. We had to wait 3 weeks to repeat the test.

The first week went in denial. We did not want to talk about it. We did not want to even entertain the if.
Second week however was hard, Amaey's counts were low, he was neutropenic and the panic set in. He was home the entire week because of his low counts. Seeing him home was a constant reminder of things gone wrong. My stress level went up and I pulled a muscle at the gym and was in bed for 2 days. I understand depression. I understand what people that are depressed feel and go through. I can see how hard it can be to get out of bed, to move and find a reason to wake up and do something with your life. It is a spiral effect, you can just get sucked deeper and deeper into it if you do not have a really strong will power. A strong family and a strong network of friends. Apurva and I decided to go away for the weekend to Sonoma and we came back recharged to take whatever might come our way.
The calm of the weekend lasted for a few days until Friday when Amaey started looking tired. We spent the entire weekend just staring at his face, obsessing about his skin color, the color under his eyes, his energy level, how much food he had eaten or not eaten. By Sunday we felt that something was up...

Today, Monday,  he went in for his spinal tap and we just got the preliminary results, and they were negative. The CSF cell counts for Amaey were normal, with <1 WBC and <1 RBC per high-powered microscope field (normal is between 0-5). 

He is fine. The stray blast was just stray and that is all. This just shows how vulnerable our life is. Any negative test can drive us up the wall. A tiny stray blast has the power to stop us on our tracks. This was so stressful. I hope no one has to go through this in their life.


Renata said...

I hate that you all have to go through this. I always check this blog just to kinda make sure you didn't write anything. But then once in while, all of sudden, you did. And as hard as it is to read at times (i am a crier) i love your honesty, and how you can stay true to your feelings no matter how hard it is to feel, to live them. I learn so much from you. I know it sucks, but thank you!

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