Monday, December 26, 2011

3 months

Time seems to be taking it's own sweet time... It feels like a lifetime but it's only been three months. 
Being here in India right now is very helpful. Nobody here knows what Amaey has been through, nobody has an idea about our last 6 years or about our intense last five months. 

Life and death has a very different meaning here. It's all gods will. Maybe it was his time, maybe that was all the time he was given, maybe his journey with us was only for so long. The thinking is so simple. (it does sound much beter and philosophical when heard in Gujarati or Hindi) God plays such a big part of life here. Nothing is done without god being involved in it. 

Is this blind devotion or way of life? I believed in god too. In my own way I prayed, went to temples, churches, or any dwelling that gave me the peace I needed. Something my sister Dipti said is still stuck in my mind, "When I got Amaey's shocking news I was in the temple as it was Monday and i go to temple before going to the office. I asked the question why? I kept on asking this question and I got the same answer that you always prayed to get him well and let him be out of pains. I think lord only heard the second part."

I still do believe in god but the connection I felt is lost. When I see any god I just have one question, why? And then I start crying. I don't have anything to say or ask I just want to understand the why. I'm searching for that answer everywhere. When I'm driving, walking, talking, or just drifting... There is a spiritual channel on TV here and I find myself flipping channels and landing on that channel in hopes that I will hear the answer to my why.

It's still hard for me to accept gods verdict. 


Renata said...

Hi Purvi! Not sure if you are checking email, but I just sent you one...

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you
Bhavna x