Wednesday, January 25, 2012

4 months today

Yesterday was the hardest day I have had in a while. I blame it on the 2 Back to the Future movies I recently re-watched.

I wish I could change time and change what was to happen today. If only I could.... I would still have my baby here with me and this family would be genuinely happy again. If only....

But reality wants to show it's true face and rub it in our nose that life is different now.

I know the healing process is like the ebb and flow of the waves, some days will be easy and some days the tide will sweep over everything.

Unfortunately as time passes the reality that Amaey will not return is hard to bear. Each hour from yesterday and today are taking me back to Sept 25 and 26 in Tel Aviv. So much pain, so much loss, so much love.

For the first time in my entire life I cried with fear when my sister Mona called me in my hotel room at 11 something at night on the 25th. I cried that I could not take it any more. I cried that we have never asked for anything and we have done everything possible for our dear child... what more does god want from us. It just seems so unfair. And then Apurva called to say Amaey was asking for me, I should come to the hospital and I left Arjun sleeping alone in the hotel room and ran to the hospital not knowing what was really happening.
But he looked calm. It felt like the tide might pass. He was looking comfortable for the first time in many hours. We had been through this, in the ambulance in 2010, we had been through this in the ICU in 2009. This was no different. Maybe Amaey will come out of it. He alwasy did. So I sent Apurva to the hotel to sleep and come back again in the morning with Arjun. But in a few hours I had to call both of them to the hospital... and now I cannot change what has happend. I never will be able to.

I love you Amaey, wherever you are, I hope you know that you are truly and dearly loved. 


Renata said...

I am so sorry. I'll keep praying...

Anonymous said...

Just don't know what to say and I know that no matter what I say your pain is such that it will take it's own time. While reading your message I felt a shiver go through my body and all I wanted to do was fly and come to you. I know that is not possible but am sending a big hug from here. Life really plays cruel to the most lovely peolpe. I always ask WHY? WHY? WHY? But no answer. Pui please please look after yourself. It is not going to be easy but.....

Love you loads,