The first of everything

When you have a baby the first year is the year of firsts. The first smile, the first pucker face, the stinkiest poop, the first words, was it ma, was it ga, what was that first word. The first steps, that first fall. the first fever and the first tear.

The first year is a celebration for the parents as much as it is for the child. The parents survived the fist year... They made it. They have a talking, walking bundle of joy on that first b'day. Bursting with pride, doubting every move they made yet fearlessly doing it every single day and seeing their rewards in that growing child, in that beautiful reward... The hug, the love.

The first of everything when you loose a child for those fearless parents is quite a fearful experience. The first time you walk through your front door and you don't have your greeter. When you get in your car and you do not have your passenger. Walk into a grocery store and the stories behind the blueberries, coconut milk, a particular bread, come gushing in your eyes. The first time you hear a song you sang together. The first time you enter their room and all you have is nothingness.

But none of this prepares you to their first b'day without them. 

August 4th 2002. He had to repeat his b'day so many times in his 9years. Every time he sat down for his poke, his blood test, his procedures, his clinic visits and stays. The first question they would ask is.... When is your b'day Amaey? And in his cute little voice he would say august 4 tutousantu. I could not tire myself from hearing that each time. I felt that through all those years of him repeating this date i saw him getting older and having yet another b'day.  As he got older he would say two thousand two and I started missing that baby voice but it was wonderful to see him fill up that chair where he got his blood test for 6years. What I wouldn't give to hear that one more time. 

I know we are a wreck right now. And it's hard to do anything. I feel drained out of every bit of energy I have. I don't know how we will feel tomorrow or day after, on the 4th. But we will go through yet another first that will expose our loss and rub it in our face...