Sunday, January 06, 2013

Live for the living

When I was sitting by myself while waiting for my lunch in the lobby bar I was thinking that usually I would have craved this alone-me time. But I don't seem to need it as much right now. Because there are times when I can be around people but still be shut off and alone. And after thinking a little more I realized that all 3 of us have been that way since we lost Amaey.

Is this our coping mechanism, is this because we are grieving and still learning to get back to life. I don't know. But I do know that we are all still grieving in our own ways.

For me the hardest part of losing Amaey is that we have lost something that bound us as a family. I think over the years, his illness brought us closer. It made us a stronger family. I would have rather lost the cancer from our family rather then have lost him. But that is not the case, so how do we reconnect? I have been asking myself, how do we find the strength to reconnect and find that love and laughter. I have been asking myself, how can I keep Amaey in my heart and soul and still pick up the pieces and become a family again. I know it is very important for me to become a family again and feel the love and bond again.
While I was thinking about all these things a question came to my mind... what did I look forward to most when I craved to get away by myself? My answer to this question was an eyeopener- I said, that I looked to reevaluate my life and get recharged to take get back to whatever was thrown in my path, with a fresher pair of eyes. The needed rest helped me get back and sit in the hospital, the rest gave me a break from the driving back and forth from the hospital and the running right back for transfusions.

This got me wondering- If I could have that attitude then, then why can't I have that same attitude now? What I had then was so hard on the family too. If I take Arjun's attitude then what I'm mourning is my baby not being here with us, amongst us, but he is free of the disease, he is free to start afresh. If I stop being selfish for a second, then I can say that he is free of the borrowed life he was living to go start a new life of his own.

If I could live the life of constant uncertainty. If I could live a life of pain while watching him suffer on days when he was really suffering. If I could live a life where our family was constantly fragmented with hospital stays and work and school. If I could live a life of guilt and fear. Why can't I, now, live a life where I focus my energy on making some of his dreams come true. Why can't I live a life where I can take what is left and nurture it and honor him by becoming a stronger and loving family.

I read this on our trip to Phoenix, it was in the spa-

Walk the path of your destiny with purpose and an open heart.

Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.

I believed, after Amaey relapsed the first time that it was my destiny to stay home and take care of him and get him better and help balance life so that Arjun can grow and live a normal life. Apurva and I were going through our own struggles and we did not really have time or energy to dwell on our couple's emotional health.

Until then I was always looking forward for his treatment to end and get back to my life and get a job and do all the normal things that that I did before. But after his relapse, I tried to understand that my destiny was in the here and now. Focus on what I have. Now destiny has changed one more time and I ask, what is my role, what is my destiny now.
If I have survived the loss of my 9 year old and I'm still standing, there must be a reason for me to be in this world.
I had read an article on WSJ called war tragedies strikes family twice and there was something a father wrote after trying to commit suicide after his son passed away in the army, that really made me think--
"You have to make a choice, either I'm going to live for the living or I'm going to stay living for the dead".

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